TITLE: Seven Gates
GENRE: YA Fantasy
The MC is climbing a spiral staircase in a dark tower, alone, in an unfamiliar world.
“There’s nothing to be afraid of.” she said under her breath. The words echoed loud and long. She stopped climbing, waited, shivering, for the echo to end. The sound of her words faded and became indistinguishable, but a vague sighing still came from the dark below her. Or perhaps from the dark above her? On these twisted stairs the sound could come from any direction….
She made herself start climbing again, bracing herself with one hand on the wall. Her steps echoed too; close around her she heard each step, clear and distinct, but delayed; from further away came a vague but ominous noise. She tried to step more lightly. The noise behind her grew softer. She stopped to hear more clearly. If only she could see! Maybe she could clear her ears then too…But the noise back there was no longer vague and muted; other steps seemed to be following, shambling, irregular steps—surely that was not the rhythm she had been walking in? She tightened her grip on the knife and hurried upward. This stair must end soon; the tower had not looked terribly high from below. How many steps had she climbed now? Surely at the top there would be light, and perhaps the teacher who waited here to guide her.
There was another noise now; something was breathing in the dark, breathing in hisses and ragged gasps.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Climbing a dark staircase is always creepy. I like that the MC displayed uncertainty as to whether the danger was above or below. It's important that there not be an easy way to avoid the danger. Is the teacher going to be waiting on top or not? Yikes!
ReplyDeleteI really liked this. The only part that jarred me was the two sentences in the middle paragraph (Her steps ...step more lightly.). The repeated use of "steps" threw me off.
ReplyDeleteThe scene was conveyed well. I knew exactly what was going on and felt chills right along with the MC.
Both creepy and scary! I liked it.
ReplyDeleteWith all the echoes, though, the noises get confusing, which I suppose is partially the point. But I'm curious about the 'ominous' noise - what does it sound like exactly? You show so well throughout, that this 'telling' part stuck out to me.
Good luck!
I hate to tell you this, but I found it boring. There was nothing creepy about it, just slow. There were parts that held promise, but then you keep going on and on about the sounds. What is the temperature? That can make it creepier. Are there any unusual lights? She's shivering, but then stops shivering as she waited for the echo to end. Huh? That doesn't make sense. If she's cold or scare, she can't turn it on and off like a light switch. When the echo goes away, will she start shivering again?
ReplyDeleteI see promise here, but you still have a lot of tighting to do to before it's ready. And you might want to 86 the semicolons.
Good luck with it!
I thought it had a touch of regency (or Haily Mills feel), which is different and cool. Midpoint (about ominous noise) I got lost with all the sounds. Then instead of being in the action, I was trying to figure out why she was there? Did she know the teacher was up there? So the focus floated for me as I read.
ReplyDeleteSpooky towers always fun!
I felt some tension and some danger. It's a scary staircase, dark, and there are sounds. Nothing wrong with that.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that threw me was at the very beginning when she says her opening line "under her breath" and then it starts echoing and keeps echoing. Would that actually occur? I'm just asking. Do whispers echo? I'm thinking not, but I don't know. It might be something to think about to make sure it's realistic.
Other than that, I found it interesting and creepy.