TITLE: Heart's Sentinel
GENRE: Paranormal Romance
Mackenzie has Shifted into panther form for the first time and is on a playful run with two juvenile jaguars from the shape shifter pride giving her sanctuary. On the run, she senses something that shouldn't be out in those woods.
Maybe if she'd had more experience in her big cat form, Mackenzie would have noticed the smell despite the rain. Maybe if the two juveniles had been more experienced, they would have caught it. As it was, the sound alerted her first.
It was like the sound of the big fans in the city, circulating air, only more concentrated and quieter. Mackenzie paused, trying to filter it from the other forest sounds that still weren't familiar to her yet. It was a whisper of city sound, out of place in the wilds.
Liam and Cal pounced on her. Distracted, she bowled them both over and stood on them, still trying to catch the sound again. Growling, they struggled under her paws, but Mackenzie growled back . She thought hard about the danger. This time her will rolled over them both and they went still.
Something wasn't right. Sensing her tension, Liam and Cal confirmed with slightly distressed noises. Or at least, that was what Mackenzie's inner cat interpreted for her.
Nudging each of them, she sent them back the way they had come. The forest had gone silent and alarm shot through Mackenzie as they retreated.
The boys were streaks of gold and black running just in front of her. Too many targets. Mackenzie's cat knew that another hunter was on them, and a hunter preferred prey that broke off and singled itself out.
Leaving the boys, Mackenzie shot in a different direction, hoping to draw the unseen hunter away from the juveniles.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I liked the scene overall. The one change for me would be to do something else with the description of the sound. Less is more, in this case. All I need is that Mackenzie had to focus her attention to hear it and that it was out of place. Perfect!
ReplyDeleteI definitely feel the tension and want to know what's causing that sound (and love your description of it sounding like a city).
ReplyDeleteI did find this sentence awkward, though: "This time her will rolled over them both and they went still." Does this mean her strong will allowed her to roll them over?? I wasn't quite sure.
Also, she goes from knowing something wasn't right, to knowing they're all targets. Is this just instinct from her panther form? Or how does she determine this?
Good luck!
There's a lot that I like here, and you've got some good tension going.
ReplyDeleteI was a bit confused at some points and had to re-read, but I think that was more related to being "dropped" into the story.
I wasn't sure who the 2 boys were. The jaguars? Or someone new?
I'm wondering, too, why she wouldn't experience the jaguar's sense of smell right away, since she has the physical nose of the jaguar. That was just me, probably. But I did question as I read that.
Overall, just some tightening and clarity are needed.
i.e., the first paragraph has lots of "had's" and "have's" that make it feel a bit ponderous.
Perhaps:
Maybe if she were more experienced in her big cat form, Mackenzie would have noticed the smell despite the rain. Maybe if the two juveniles were more experienced (though I think you should probably use "experience" only once), they would have caught it.
Cool concept! Press on!
I wanted more tactile experience being the panther. Is she lucid and able to notice the difference? (I think she is since she compares things to city noises!) How does it feel to have paws rather than hands? Does she have to consider how to retract her claws (if panthers claws retract), do her whiskers feel the edges of things (this is one way cats sense their surroundings, right?) I was disappointed, being this was the first time as the panther, not to get a more interesting bouquet of senses. To be able to run fast, have large teeth, be on all fours?? Come on! This is great stuff!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Courtney - I wanted to see, hear, feel, smell being a panther a bit more. Introducing these sensory details will improve the overall writing, too, since they'll have to show us the action rather than just tell it.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Courtney and Krista. Even though we're dropped into this scene and I'm sure there are earlier moments where she describes how it feels to be a panther, this is the first time she's out roaming. I expected a few more comparisons on her part. More senses becasue she's an animal. And I think that's how to really differentiate between her human thoughts and her animal instincts. Just my thoughts. Otherwise, I was drawn in and would love to find out what happens next, who the hunter is, and more about this world you've created.
ReplyDeleteI like this concept. There's enough tension that I would want to keep reading and find out what's going on with the hunter. I agree with other comments that there could be more sensory details about becoming a panther - that's probably the main thing that makes this interesting, so take advantage of it.
ReplyDeleteSolid writing - no major stylistic problems that I can see.