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Wednesday, January 13, 2010

4 Secret Agent

TITLE: THE ALMOST TABLE
GENRE: YA Contemporary

The whispers began early today, slight puffs of air that tickled my ears.

The Vails are back...school van accident...four years ago...London…her…the wreckage...

I tried to ignore them, but by noon, they built to a scream.

THE VAILS ARE BACK...SCHOOL VAN ACCIDENT...FOUR YEARS AGO...LONDON…HER…THE WRECKAGE...

The cafeteria buzzed loudly, snatches of conversation escaping. The students at Winspear Academy haven’t heard such interesting news in days. I felt it spread as I walked by their tables. The words weighed on me, but I kept the look off my face and straightened my back until my shoulders started to hurt. Rumors might light everyone’s eyes as if it was holidays instead of mid-September, but tomorrow we’d be back to ignoring each other. I murmured my father’s favorite words continually. High school is only a stepping stone…high school is only a stepping stone…high school is only a stepping stone…

Right, I thought as a boy looked straight at me, a nasty stone with jagged points.

I walked to a round table where two girls sat on opposite sides. It is the Almost Table. A table not close enough to the windows to lie with its popular copies but also not exiled to the far reaches of the back wall.

When I lowered myself into a wooden chair, the girls stared at me with a combination of sympathy and curiosity.

I didn’t appreciate either today. “What?” I asked, setting my bag on the floor with a careful thump.

Ally fidgeted with her red lunch tray, trying not to smile. “They’re back tomorrow.”

“Who?” Indigo said.
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12 comments:

  1. Secret AgentJanuary 13, 2010 at 9:53 AM

    Had a hard time settling in to this one. The exact repetition of the "whispers" made me think it was something supernatural.

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  2. Holly BodgerJanuary 13, 2010 at 9:54 AM

    This is interesting. I like how you use the whispers to create intrigue.

    I would be careful using "today" when your time frame is non-specific and your tense is past. I would normally use "that day" if I was referring to the past. Also, the tense switches to present when you say, "haven't heard" and again when you say, "It is the Almost Table".

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  3. brendaoJanuary 13, 2010 at 10:22 AM

    I found the whispers confusing, combined with the buzzing cafeteria. It definitely raises a story question, but it felt scattered to me.

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  4. UnknownJanuary 13, 2010 at 10:27 AM

    I loved the title, but had to read the first few lines again to figure it out. Other than that, I liked the writing and story idea.

    I would read on to see who ‘They’ are.

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  5. Sarah AhiersJanuary 13, 2010 at 11:11 AM

    I'm with SA - i immediately felt the whispers were supernatural in origin, and when i realized they weren't i was taken briefly out of the narrative.

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  6. angela robbinsJanuary 13, 2010 at 11:51 AM

    I also thought some supernatural being or force was whispering to the MC making school even more unbearable for her. But then when I found out it was gossip, I was a little disappointed.
    I agree with the tense issues already mentioned by another critter.
    -a

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  7. BarbaraJanuary 13, 2010 at 12:38 PM

    I liked the repeated whispers in a larger font. I thought that was very effective, and you did make me wonder who these people are that everyone is whispering about.

    But the writing wasn't quite there, which makes me not want to read more. 'Snatches of conversation escaping - from where/what? Tenses switching. "I kept the look off my face' - what look? When I lowered myself into a wooden chair - why doesn't she just sit down? Those sort of things became irritating. A revision or two could easily work out the kinks.

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  8. turn tooJanuary 13, 2010 at 1:33 PM

    First, I like the title.
    The whispering didn't throw me off at all. You've already described it as contemporary not paranormal.

    It does bunch up a bit in the cafeteria, but I think w/a few adjustments you'll get it.

    So who's coming back tomorrow? :)

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  9. AmyJanuary 13, 2010 at 1:33 PM

    I really liked this, it's compelling and you do a great job building the tension. I'd definitely keep reading.

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  10. bfavJanuary 13, 2010 at 11:05 PM

    I love your concept of The Almost Table. I felt like I was back in High School. Very relatable, I would want to read on.

    My suggestion would be to get to the table quicker so that the reader gets more of a taste of what's on your (current) page 2.

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  11. K. M. WaltonJanuary 14, 2010 at 7:04 PM

    Love the title. However, I had to go back and re-read a few times. But I don't know why. There aren't any glaring mistakes or anything. Yet something made me have to go back and re-read it top to bottom in order to connect.

    Could you open with "The Almost Table" up front? And have the whispers happen while she's sitting there?

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  12. Sarah LaurensonJanuary 15, 2010 at 5:50 PM

    I got that the whispers were from the other kids. I might read another paragraph or two to see if you raise more questions or start grounding me in who, what, where, when. I don't mind having questions that will be answered further in, but I need a balance of grounding information.

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