TITLE: Beneath the Trees
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Rose kept dropping barley seeds into the neatly plowed rows though her gaze remained fixed on the forest, scanning every one of the twisting, fern-covered lanes between the trunks. No matter how stealthy the creature moved, Rose knew it was coming. A breeze brought the warning, a strange mix of clotted blood, the musk of a male animal and the sweat of a man; but most frightening by far was the utter silence with which it approached.
“Uncle John,” Rose called across the field. “I hear…Mary.” It was true. Rose could hear her aunt getting supper. “She needs you.” That was also true, of course.
John Woodman learned long ago how well his niece could hear, and he caught the very real note of alarm in her voice. Casting his hoe aside, he barreled towards the little farmhouse, expecting Rose to follow.
She’d made one step in order to give him that impression, but when she was sure he was headed to safety, she turned facing the stand of ancient oaks that lined the edge of the field.
The creature must’ve heard her call. It was coming faster now. Rose heard the snap of a twig. She caught a glimpse, a dark, fleeting shape between the trunks. And then, it was upon her.
Tall as she was, it towered above her as it rose onto its hind legs. The beastly face gave a very manlike grin and a grey, clawed hand shot out to grab her.
Rose didn’t scream.
Miss Snark's First Victim
An interesting scenario that leaves me with lots of questions--in a good way! I do wish I was more in Rose's head, though. I'm left knowing what she is doing, but not really what she thinks or feels about what is happening. I don't start with a strong sense of what kind of person she is.
ReplyDeleteThis is nicely written and I'd read on, for sure.
ReplyDeleteYou drop little hints that she's not afraid, even with all the details you give us. She just stands there as the beast approaches. I'm guessing she was just getting rid of Uncle John so she meet up with the creature.
Nice start!
Exciting start, nice mix of description and action so it brings the reader in smoothly.
ReplyDeleteThere are a few awkward bits where I'm not sure if there's a grammer error or if the narrator's using a less grammatically-correct voice on purpose. "No matter how stealthy the creature moved" - should be "steathily," "John Woodman HAD learned long ago."
If this is a voice choice, you need to make it stronger, make word choice and sentence structure in every sentence reflect this particular speaker.
I'd read on. I want to know what the creature is and why she is not scared of it. I could picture this in my head, unfolding.
ReplyDelete-a
Great descriptions. I'd definitely read on. Loved the exciting beginning.
ReplyDeleteThe hook here is that Rose has some kind of exceptional hearing, which is why she knows this creature is coming. Yet she doesn't 'hear' it coming. She smells it. The scent of clotted blood, musk and sweat, all brought on the wind, is what gives her the clue. So this is contradictory to the premise. Perhaps she should hear some very minute and distant sounds rather than smell?
ReplyDeleteThen it comes faster, but how could she know that when she hadn't 'heard' it before? (the utter silence with which it approached)Changing the smells to sounds would fix that.
And then it was upon her - which implies it was attacking her, but in the next parg, it hasn't yet attacked until the last sentence.
Maybe cut that sentence?
And there's a POV shift to Uncle John.
The idea is interesting and entertaining, but what's written doesn't seem to quite say what is implied. (And yet, I got it anyway!) Perhaps revise with that in mind.
Like the tension, I'm definitely intrigued and would turn the page.
ReplyDeleteMy suggestion would be when the wolf-beast-man thing comes, you say it was upon her (And I'm thinking oh shoot it just attacked her.) and then the next paragraph he's standing there and then it grabs her. I was a bit confused.
I liked it attacking her rather than standing and grabbing.
I like it. Do all you can to make it tight...like unto a dish.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading. Very intriguing.
ReplyDeleteA nice beginning, it definitely grabs my attention. The strange mix of clotted blood confused me--is that a smell on the breeze? How can you smell that blood is clotted? Also, I couldn't quite buy that Uncle John would barrel off to the house with so little information. That implies worry or panic, and she hasn't given him any reason for that. It might work better if he sighs, throws down his hoe and trudges off. Also, you switch to his POV, which is confusing.
ReplyDeleteBut the creature definitely grabbed my attention, and the fact that Rose doesn't scream. Good start!
Great hook. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteA few tweaks here and there that have been mentioned. I wonder if the first paragraph would be more effective if reversed like so:
A breeze brought the warning, a strange mix of clotted blood, the musk of a male animal and the sweat of a man; but most frightening by far was the utter silence with which it approached. Rose kept dropping barley seeds into the neatly plowed rows. Her gaze remained fixed on the forest, scanning every one of the twisting, fern-covered lanes between the trunks.