TITLE: To Die For
GENRE: YA Paranormal
EMOTION: Nervous fear
Intro: Bryce has gone to visit his boss after a girl was doped with a date-rape drug at a party the night before.
Ian Donnelly sat behind a massive desk, his body framed by the sun setting through the bay window at his back. “Vincent said you were quite insistent.” He waved at a high-backed leather armchair. “Have a seat and tell me what was so important, Mr. Owens.”
The assistant’s name is Vincent. I need to forget that now too. “It’s about the deliveries.”
“I didn’t anticipate it being about my choice in cufflinks.” Donnelly fiddled with a letter opener on his desk, the light glinted off the razor-sharp edge.
Don’t dick around. He doesn’t want to waste time with you, and he isn’t going to like this. Bryce straightened in the chair, but kept his eyes slightly down-cast. “I’ve never asked what you load in the car. It’s not my job to know. But someone is selling date-rape drugs at Purdue. I was hoping, if you had any clue who that might be, you could put a stop to it.”
Leaning on the desk, Donnelly tapped the letter opener on its surface. “I’m sure that sort of thing has been going on at universities for years. Why the sudden interest?”
Bryce watched the tip of the blade and had to swallow hard before his voice would work. “A girl I care about was slipped something last night.”
“This girl, is she the type that means something to you today, or will mean something to you long term?” The letter opener twirled between his fingers, the gleam making it look like it was taking flight.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I found the dialogue very believable. Nice job. Also liked the use of the letter opener, implying threat
ReplyDeleteI also enjoyed the letter opener. But you might be able to tighten the second sentence about it to something like Leaning forward, Donnelly tapped the letter opener on his desk (somehow eliminate "on its surface). I also really like Donnelly's final question.
ReplyDeleteNot sure how the internal though works as italics. Could be worth while to throw in a few "he thoughs".
ReplyDeleteLetter opener imagry was great.
I liked the tension in this, and the dialogue read smoothly. The character's thoughts didn't read as smoothly as the dialogue though, especially the first one. I didn't even find the spoken and silent voices of the main character consistent.
ReplyDeleteI found the thoughts in italics to be a bit rough, but I really liked the tension you've created here. The letter opener was great. Good job!
ReplyDeleteGreat dialogue. I think I need to read more before to get the context of the inner voice versus spoken.
ReplyDeletePerhaps a little of an impression of what Ian Donnelly looks like or a hint of Ian's expression as the dialogue progresses could add even more to the tension.
As mentioned previously, the letter opener detail throughout is very effective.