TITLE: Slam
GENRE: YA
EMOTION: One character is drunk, the other is shocked and worried
Intro: Blythe, the main character goes outside and runs into her roommate, Hannah. Kelsi is their other, evil roommate.
As I passed the willow tree, I heard the faint sound of singing, only this time, it was not a male voice. Or, unfortunately, a talented one. I walked over to the tree and looked at the ground. Someone lay in a pile of branches and leaves, waving a twig like a flag.
“Hannah?” I said as soon as I recognized the red hair covered in leaves.
She bent her head to the side. “Blythe! How come you’re standing upside down?”
“I’m not.” I crouched down beside her. “What are you doing down here?”
“Watching all the shooting stars. I’ve never seen so many before. Do you think it’s one of those mediocre showers?”
“You mean meteor.” I looked up. The clear sky was full of twinkling stars, but not one moved. Hannah burped then giggled. I leaned in to smell her breath. “Hannah, are you… drunk?”
She giggled again. “Course not.” She picked up the large, empty glass by her side. “All I’ve had is some lemonade. Kelsi said Sister Agnes made it ‘specially for me.”
I turned to the house. “That little bi—” I put my hand on her arm. “We’ve got to get you to upstairs before someone sees you. Can you stand up?”
“Of course.” She sat up but stopped to grab her head. She looked at me but her eyes wandered all over my face. “Do you think it’s possible for your head to fall off your neck? If it gets too heavy or something?”
Miss Snark's First Victim
I liked this very much. I found myself smiling as I enjoyed the dialogue and felt like I was there with Hannah and Blythe.
ReplyDeleteMy only suggestion would be that Hannah's dialogue is sometimes to clear for someone who is drunk, especially when asked what she's doing on the ground.
This was good. I agree with mypeaceandjoy that Hannah seems a little too with it for someone who is drunk, but other than that, the dialogue feels natural.
ReplyDeleteI think this scene is really good but I agree that Hannah's thoughts come out too clear, or too full. You could probably just chop up her speech a little more, maybe show her thoughts wandering mid-sentence, etc. The line "I've never seen so many before" feels out of place and unnecessary. You could cut it and move right to the mediocre shower part.
ReplyDeleteI love this. It read very smooth and natural. The only thing that bothered me (and it's not even in the dialogue) was the word "bent." I didn't feel like it really fit the action.
ReplyDeleteSmooth writing. Since Hannah's drunk, you might fragment her speech more, but not to the point where it would confuse the reader. I had a hard time picturing the line "she bent her head to the side."
ReplyDeleteThis is delightful.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above, but you achieved the emotion you were going for. My favorite line: "She looked at me by her eyes wandered all over my face." GREAT!
ReplyDeleteIt works.
ReplyDeletejust one thing:
As I passed the willow tree, I heard the faint sound of singing, only this time, it was not a male voice. Or,(NOR) unfortunately, a talented one. I walked over to the tree and looked at the ground. Someone lay in a pile of branches and leaves, waving a twig like a flag.
Good job. The dialogue is doing it's job for sure, here. I agree that perhaps Hannah's too clear sounding and not drunk sounding, but you really don't want to go over the top with it, either. It would seem too...cartoonish(?) if you did. Good job!
ReplyDeleteInstead of
ReplyDelete...eyes wandered all over my face.
Try
... gaze wandered all over my face.
Eyes wandering over her face would be kind of slimy:)
I was a little confused by Hannah at first, but I really enjoyed your dialogue. Thanks for sharing this!
ReplyDeleteI thought this was great. I get why some said that Hannah sounded a bit too clear but it didn't really bother me that much. Only her last line seemed a bit too wordy and thought out. The one thing that jumped out at me was that I felt that Blythe asked "are you drunk?" a little too late. It seemed that it would be obvious from the moment she asked why she was standing upside down (which I loved, btw). So that question seemed a little forced to me. I think it doesn't even need to be asked. Blythe could realize it internally and ask what she's been drinking or something instead. Great job though!
ReplyDelete