TITLE: FIRE IN THE SOUL
GENRE: Women's Fiction
I had the warm, summer evening all to myself with no idea what to do. I decided I was hungry, so after rummaging through Mom's fridge looking for something to make for dinner, I settled on a meatloaf and while the oven warmed up, I opted to take a not-so-quick shower. I stood under the warm water and, while it massaged my tired muscles, contemplated how to straighten out my twisted life. As a single mother of two active children, I constantly felt like I was spinning my wheels.
I turned the water off when it started to run cool, only to hear the shrill sound of smoke detectors, blaring wildly, none in sync, creating instant havoc and causing my heart to race wildly. With my hair and body dripping wet, I pulled on my robe, opened the bedroom door and ran smack into a wall of smoke. Crawling on the floor to the kitchen, I discovered smoke billowing from the oven. I made the foolish decision of opening the oven door, and WOOSH! Out shot a flame. I grabbed the fire extinguisher from the pantry but with the flame lapping at my fingers, my frantic brain couldn't figure the damn thing out. Sirens wailed in the distance and I assumed one of the nosy neighbors called 911. The dogs joined in the choir and between the alarms, sirens and howls, I thought my eardrums would explode. Just as the extinguisher shot out a spray of foam, the back door opened and a gorgeous fireman in full fire uniform stood in the doorway, hose in hand, grinning.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Some of your images are just slightly off kilter. I wouldn't call the neighbor who phoned 911 when my house was on fire "nosy," I'd call them helpful! If fire is lapping at your fingers, you'd drop the fire extinguisher and get the heck out of the kitchen. I'd be pretty disturbed to see a fireman enter my burning home with a grin... Either this is a romantic comedy, or you need to amp up the seriousness of the situation. Your writing is clean and I'd read further in the story. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteIt's a decent opener, but not enough to make me keep reading. It felt like plain narration and not much insight into who she is or why the reader should care.
ReplyDeleteGoodluck!
I like the image of a single mother of two feeling like she's "constantly spinning (her) wheels". That gives a good sense of how the main character must feel, and the level of stress she's dealing with.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure I'd mention the fireman being gorgeous at this point. First of all, wouldn't a full fire uniform make it hard to get a good sense of what the man looked like! And like SeaHayes said, I'm not sure "grinning" is quite appropriate.
I also personally try to avoid large blocks of text. It's always nice to break things up with dialogue, although I realize that until the very end there's no one for your main character to talk to. Unless you have her mutter something to herself... Anyway, I'd prefer not to see two long paragraphs at the start of the book.
Your opening is something I think most mothers can relate to - the feeling of constant motion, wondering what to cook for dinner, getting kids to piano lesson, etc. If this is a comedy, it might be fun to mention in passing some of the more off-beat problems a single mom might face - a snarky daughter with persistent PMS or a son who spends too much time in the bathroom with the door locked - something that shows Mom cares, worries, stresses, whatever, but in a light-hearted way. Your opening para really has to set the tone for the story, and I can't tell straight away if this is meant to be serious or funny.
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of Mr. Gorgeous Fireman coming to the rescue, but I agree with SeaHayes that he probably wouldn't be grinning unless this is a comedy.
You used a lot of words twice in the same paragraph - wildly, smoke, flame, sirens. Maybe you could try finding some synonyms or other ways to describe the same things?
I definitely get a sense of panic from the second paragraph, which is great. Good luck with your story!
I feel like this may be more of a set up for a romance than 'women's fiction.' I definitely does have a lighter feel, like a comedy. For instance, if my house was on fire, I doubt I'd notice if the fireman was gorgeous or not right off the bat and I'm not sure if he'd be grinning.
ReplyDeleteIt almost feels like a dream sequence.
Since I'm not entirely sure what you're going for, it's hard to make a suggestion but I did like the panic and mindset of the woman, seems very realistic.
One of the sticky bits when writing in first person is the over abundance of "I"--8 in the first paragraph. The noun-verb cadence is also occurring. I had, I decided, I was, I settled, I opted...
ReplyDeleteThe pacing of the story is way too fast. I was out of breath by the time I finished the second paragraph.
Slow it down a little. Give us some insight into the character. Why does she have the summer evening to herself? Does she fight off the urge to go skinny dipping in the moonlight or would she rather be reading Victor Hugo in Paris?
For the record...the meatloaf was never placed in the oven, so what was on fire?
Does sound like the set up for a romance not women's fiction. You have a good voice and some good descriptions.
Beat of luck!
This read like a list. I did this, then this, then this. Then this happened, then this. It's straight telling. Show us what happened and it will bring this to life. Change your 'ing' words to 'ed' words, rewrite sentences that begin with prepositional phrases, make the passive sentences active. A rewrite or two could bring this to where it needs to be.
ReplyDeleteThe opening line puts me off a little. I want to plunge into something highly readable, but the MC is moseying about picking through the fridge, deciding whether to take a shower or not. I also want to know how old the children are--are they teenagers or toddlers or both? Then I can picture the life of the MC and perhaps how old she is.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I don't get how she gets from the shower to the bedroom to the oven so quickly through a wall of smoke. There is a wall of smoke all the way to the bedroom but she can see it billowing out the oven door? (I do like the word billowing.)
Agree about the nosy neighbors. At this point, the blessed wonderful neighbors, no?
I think the reason it reads romance is her "dripping wet body" and the "gorgeous fireman" holding a hose. (Not too phallic or anything!) Gorgeous is so generic. I want a real sense of him. Also, if he's at all serious about his job, I doubt he'd be grinning. Not with that much smoke. Smoke kills.
In such a short excerpt, I wouldn't use the word "wildly" twice, especially not in the same sentence.
Just a few fixable nits, but as of now, not sure I'd read on.
The title is great, a hook itself.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph has so many "I's" in it that I am totally turned off. First person is difficult to write well...but not impossible. You need to diversify your sentence structure so you're not always beginning with I this and I that.
What you have here reads like stage direction. I don't feel anything. I can't picture the scene, I don't feel connected to, in sync with the MC, and I have no idea who she is, other than her being a mom of two little ones.
Stories that hook are stories that are character driven. This reads/feels totally situational.
Gorgeous...how so??? How can you tell with all that uniform, mask? Need to think about these things...
Too rushed and overdone.
ReplyDeleteI think this needs some white space, break up the paragraphs a bit so we get a sense of urgency.
ReplyDeleteI would never call my neighbor "nosy" if they saved my house and possibly my life for calling 911.
This seems more like a romance or rom-com vs women's fiction to me.
This one has a whole lot of telling and not much showing--on a deeper, emotional level I mean. And at the same time, I feel like the author covers too much in just two paragraphs. It's hard to say without seeing more, but I just don't think that this story started in the right place.
ReplyDeleteAnd unfortunately I wouldn't keep reading past this.
Too slow. Adrenalin and this piece are totally oxy morons. You have firemen rushing in the door in 250 words... and a fireman with a hose in hand grinning scares me to death...
ReplyDeleteI really think you need to cut that first paragraph. I'm only an aspiring author, but one thing I've learned from hanging around agent blogs is that they stop reading very quickly. Another thing I've learned from hanging around this blog and reading a lot of first pages is that the first 250 words is very valuable real estate. It's a chance to hook your reader and the paragraph about looking for meatloaf and having a shower is not interesting. If I was a busy agent, I'd probably stop reading there.
ReplyDeleteThe second paragraph really ramps up the action, but it feels rushed. If you cut the first paragraph you'll have more room to expand this section. I also wondered why the fireman was grinning. If it was a false alarm and she had locked herself outside in her nightie, maybe, but there's flames and smoke in her house!
I hope this isn't too harsh. I think with some tweaks and cuts, you could have a good first page.