TITLE: Planets Without Moons
GENRE: Women's fiction
A man stepped over the guardrail onto the highway. Nora Evans had to swerve around him as he staggered into her path.
"Shit, Mom!" Eleven-year-old Robbie's Game Boy flew out of his hands.
Seven-year-old Jessica gave a strangled cry as her seatbelt locked on her.
"Robbie! No cursing!" Nora yelled, pulling the minivan back into the slow lane. In the rearview mirrow she could see the man's filthy blond hair sticking out from his head.
"What the hell was that?" Robbie asked, looking back at the man.
"I don't know Robbie, but you've got to stop that cursing," Nora said, watching the man throw an unsteady leg back over the guardrail.
"Mom," said Jessica, "there's something wrong with that man. His clothes were all torn up."
"Well, there's nothing we can do, honey. We can't stop on the highway. It's too dangerous."
"But Daddy stops for turtles. He just pulls over," Jessica said.
Just because Daddy does it, Nora thought, doesn't mean it's safe. "Honey, the man was going back off the road, he'll be ok. Maybe his car broke down and he got messed up trying to fix it."
"Yeah," Robbie interrupted, "and maybe he was abducted by aliens who tried to probe his brain but he resisted and they had to fight him and..."
"Robbie! For goodness sake, have you been researching aliens on the internet again?"
"Did you see the size of him?" Robbie asked, ignoring the question. "He looked like a linebacker. Anyways, what's for dinner?
Miss Snark's First Victim
Love the voice in this...Very realistic and just enough suspense to make me want to read more. My fave line is,"But Daddy stops for turtles. He just pulls over," Jessica said. That's so something a lil kid would say. Good job!
ReplyDeleteGood dialogue. It sounds like the mom and dad are divorced, but I'm not sure. I was a little distracted by the repitition of eleven-year-old and seven-year-old. Maybe you could give Jessica's age by alluding to the type of squeal only a child of seven can muster. I'd read on. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI liked the dialogue and the action; it seemed like a very realistic drive with a couple of kids in the backseat. I'm definitely intrigued - I want to know what that guy was doing on the highway.
ReplyDeleteFor some reason the word 'researching' seemed wrong in that sentence. Maybe 'looking at' would work? Or maybe that's just me. :)
Robbie's cursing made me laugh out loud because my kid does the same thing! I also like how his mind just jumps from one track to the next - so typical of a kid.
ReplyDeleteThe mystery of why the guy is going over the guardrail is enough to make me want to keep reading. I like the short paragraphs - they reflect a sense of urgency to me.
Assuming this is Nora's POV, what is she thinking about the strange man? "Filthy blond hair" suggests disgust, but that's the only feeling I get from her. Maybe he's not important to the story? If he is, maybe you could toss another thought, comment, reaction in there to let the reader know more about him and/or what she thinks of him. Just a thought.
Good luck!
I would definitely read on. Great voice and dialog. And that Robbie - I'm cracking up over him. The swearing, the game boy in the car, the short attention span - "Anyways, what's for dinner?" So funny.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm curious about that man.
Good job!
Nice voice here and enough suspense to keep me wondering if there was really something up with that guy or not. My only thing, and it's a nitpick really, is the Game Boy. When I read Game Boy, I thought the story might be set a few years back. I think the personal video game du jour now is the Nintendo DS.
ReplyDeleteSo...it really is a nitpick and if I wasn't in 'editing' mode, I might not have noticed it at all, just thought I'd mention it.
Otherwise, really great read and I'd definitely read on. LOVE the title too.
I liked your voice and realistic dialogue. The way you bring up the ages of the children felt awkward. Other than that, I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the children's ages need to be shown. Maybe when she tells him to stop cursing she can say something like, "I don't know Robbie, but you're only eleven. You have to stop that cursing."
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, the only thing I would change would be the first line. If we are in Nora's POV and she sees him step over the guardrail, why doesn't she slow down first? If it all happens at once, I think you should say that he stepped over the guardrail and into her path. Otherwise, it feels like there should be more time between him stepping over and staggering.
I liked both the kids. Great voices there. It bugged me that Nora didn't stop, not even at a distance, or that she didn't phone the police to say the man was there, and that made me not like her.
ReplyDeleteWhen Robbie asks 'what was that,' she says she doesn't know, but she clearly does know it was a man. And I also felt that the word 'researching' was off. Perhaps use another word there.
I probably would read a bit more because I did like the kids and the mystery of the man. Whether I kept reading or not would depend on what you did with Nora.
I'd read on as well. The voice is clear and the characters are interesting. I want to know about the man too!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the other posters about listing the ages at the beginning. It did distract me.
ReplyDeleteAlso merging those sentences about Robbie and Jessica would give the start to the story much urgency after the swerve:
"What the shit, Mom!" Robbie's DS flew out of his hands as Jessica yelped as her seatbeat locked on her.
I also see an overabundance of dialogue tags. Rather then all the he said/she said...show your characters acting after their dialogue...
But I would read on...
I agree with the awkward way their ages are introduced. I also would note on the dialogue tags. Chop the obvious ones, such as:
ReplyDelete"What the hell was that?" Robbie asked and others like it. We know he's asked it because there is a ? at the end.
I did find humor in the Robbie character to a point, though the mom in me got a little annoyed with all the curse words flying loosely out of an 11yo mouth.
With that said, I got a feeling that Nora doesn't have the upper hand between the two. So if that is the image you want me to have, then job well done.
I am going to chime in with everybody else -- this is a great opening. The characters come across as real people and the suspense makes me want to keep reading. Thumbs up!
ReplyDeleteAm I the only one that feels like something is missing here? We know how the kids feel about this man coming out of nowhere and then disappearing again feel, but what about the MC? No heart palpitations at almost hitting someone? No thoughts about the dangers of being alone with kids on a dark highway? We see how she is reacting to the kids, but I feel like she's not even existent in the actual story, other than telling her kids to pipe down...
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked. I'm sorry. Too much dialogue, not enough character investment. I don't have enough here to make me care about her.
"Anyways" is not a word.
ReplyDeleteUnless Nora corrects her son's English in the next line of dialogue, I'd make it proper English or an agent is going to think YOU say (and write) ANYWAYS. And you don't want that.
I also think "Nora swerving" would be a more interesting way to start than "man stepping."
There's a lot here: man, Nora, kids, turtles, aliens, Dad. It's realistic in the way a car ride with kids would be but I'd like to digest the swerving due to man-in- road thing because it must be important if it's the first line in the book.
I agree with others: this feels real, great kid's dialogue, rework the age tags and the word "researching."
ReplyDeleteNora seems like a very no-nonsense person who doesn't take time for saving turtles. Will that change?
I would have to see another side of her to want to read a whole novel, but I do trust your ability to write :->.
You have a realistic voice going here. The interplay between everyone seems true but the situation doesn't work for me.
ReplyDeleteIf I had almost hit someone I wouldn't be correcting my kids' swearing. I'd likely be doing the same or at least thinking it.And once I calmed down I'd get on my cell and call the cops to check it out.
The opening two lines took any possible hook and just diminished it. It was the most non-exciting way to introduce a guy stepping in front of oncoming traffic on a highway. Keep us with Nora. Let us be with her when she sees him instead, right before she swerves. What does she see?
ReplyDeleteAnd although the dialog with her kids feels somewhat realistic, it almost goes on for too long. But that could be that I'm already not excited about what's happening after those first two lines.
To be honest, I might have stopped reading after that if it were submitted to me. Consider starting in the middle of the action.
Where is your sense of drama? You feel like a journalist who's reporting a crime.
ReplyDeletePOV isn't established. Who am I?
You need to be more edgy. More immediate. Where are the sounds. The screams. the skidding. The heart in throat moment.
The actual event of Nora nearly hitting the man felt brushed over, while the reaction was lingered on. I'd spend more time on the near-miss.
ReplyDeleteI also agreed with some points made by the others: 'Researching' felt off, as did the age tags at the start. Does it matter right now how old Robbie and Jessica are? And Game Boy did make the MS feel dated. Perhaps they've bought out a new version of the Gameboy but to firmly plant this as contemporary, I agree with VR that a Ninetendo DS would be better.