Not quite hooked. If the stone is on her neck, where is it (was it) hiding? And...caught her attention...? If she's wearing it (and it kinda sounds like she is), wouldn't she be aware of its glow already?
I think you tried to put too much information in the first sentence, which leads to too many questions. Answer one or two of those in the first sentence, and I might read on.
Weak hook. I'm a sucker for the genre and I love that the magic is immediate, but as with the above comments, the logistics of what is described don't quite jive for me. I'd read a little further.
Consider me unimaginative, but how can a black stone glow? Is it glowing a different color? Or are the edges just kinda fuzzy? I'm not exactly hooked, really, but I'm not NOT hooked. :D
How can a stone hide in her neck? I'm confused rather than hooked. Given the genre, it might help to set the scene and the character first so we have some idea of what is happening before mentioning the stone.
Not quite hooked. If the stone is on her neck, where is it (was it) hiding? And...caught her attention...? If she's wearing it (and it kinda sounds like she is), wouldn't she be aware of its glow already?
ReplyDeleteI think you tried to put too much information in the first sentence, which leads to too many questions. Answer one or two of those in the first sentence, and I might read on.
Hooked, though I'm not into epic fantasies. Not sure how much longer I'd read because of that. Purely subjective.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Steve; the logistics don't quite work for me.
ReplyDeleteWeak hook. I'm a sucker for the genre and I love that the magic is immediate, but as with the above comments, the logistics of what is described don't quite jive for me. I'd read a little further.
ReplyDeleteI would probably read for a while longer, but the hook is weak. :-)
ReplyDeleteConsider me unimaginative, but how can a black stone glow? Is it glowing a different color? Or are the edges just kinda fuzzy? I'm not exactly hooked, really, but I'm not NOT hooked. :D
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
ReplyDeleteZzzzz... Not hooked.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, sorry.
ReplyDelete(I really don't think "epic fantasy" should go hand in hand with purplish prose.)
Too passive and too many descriptors to pack a real punch.
ReplyDeleteHow can a stone hide in her neck? I'm confused rather than hooked. Given the genre, it might help to set the scene and the character first so we have some idea of what is happening before mentioning the stone.
ReplyDelete