TITLE: WHERE THE DOVES FLY
GENRE: Literary YA
Every year I wait for fall to pass, anxious to paint December but willing to avoid the cold, which today sneaks past my coat to finger my skin.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Miss Snark's First Victim
Wow, it's hard to envision a story after only 25 words, but this one just didn't hook me. At least not yet. There was too much emphasis on the weather instead of the plot.
ReplyDeleteConfused, not hooked...To me, "finger my skin" is awkward..
ReplyDeleteLiterary isn't my thing, so take this with a grain of salt. I'm not hooked. The narrator thinks in pretty language, but it is off to me. I loved the beginning of the sentence, but then you lost me. Probably wouldn't read on.
ReplyDeleteLine of direction problems. This sentence needs more focus.
ReplyDeleteI'd give it a few more lines.
ReplyDeletea little too wordy for me
ReplyDeleteI like the prase "paint December" but don't like "willing" to avoid the cold. That doesn't make senese to me.
ReplyDeleteOn the fence.
Seems a little too purple to me. I'm not sure yet (of course, it's only 25 words) if I'd keep reading. Maybe for another paragraph or so. If the purple keeps going, I'd have to stop.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure about this one or what the protagonist is trying to say.
ReplyDeleteShe/he wants fall to pass to get to winter. But then is willing to avoid the cold?
Sorry, not hooked.
ReplyDeleteNot quite...
ReplyDeleteNot quite hooked. Sorry. Felt a bit over written.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked yet. "Willing to avoid the cold" feels clunky. Still, I'd read on, because things can change quickly. I have a feeling there is a lot more to this one than meets the eye.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't start with the weather. And in my opinion, nothing in YA should ever be 'fingered'. It leads the thoughts elsewhere...
ReplyDeleteThe last part of the sentence (which today...) threw me. The first, though, was pretty fantastic. I like the idea of painting December. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what you're saying.
ReplyDeleteEvery year, she waits for fall to pass because she's anxious to paint December (is it literal painting? Is she an artist)
But she's willing to avoid the cold (meaning she's willing to hop on a plane to Florida?) and right now, the cold is blowing through her coat to her skin?
That's what I'm getting. It's not enough.
This sentence is too long and wordy. It's taking away from what you're trying to say. I'm not sure what that is either. Because you use today, I'm left wondering, is it December? Or is it just cold? I feel like I made my way through this but didn't learn much, which keeps me from being hooked.
ReplyDelete'finger your skin' gives me the heebie-jeebies - a bit weird, IMO.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. I feel like you have a few different thoughts going here at once, and like others have said, it's hard to winnow out the meaning of the whole.
ReplyDeleteThere's some great imagery in there, painting December, cold sneaking past the coat, but I'm still left confused by the sentence itself.
I like the phrase 'paint December' though I'm not sure what exactly it's supposed to mean in this context.
ReplyDeleteThe focus on the cold weather bugs me because I HATE winter. I would at least finish the page, and probably the first chapter to see where exactly this was headed, but I'm not hooked.
I love literary fiction/YA, but most of it doesn't start out with a description of the weather. Unfortunately not hooked.
ReplyDelete"Finger my skin" feels awkward to me. It's a bit too wordy for an opening line, but I get a sense of the writing style right from the start.
ReplyDeleteToo many great phrases combined into one sentence makes me confused rather than hooked.
ReplyDeleteI had a bit of trouble following the sentence. The first half fit nicely, but when I got to something sneaking past I had to back track.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
ReplyDelete