TITLE: Blood on the Moon
GENRE: Paranormal Romance
The widening of the old man’s eyes was the only warning Mira received. With surprising speed, he lunged at her, his thin fingers grabbing her shoulders and yanking her across the table until their faces were inches apart.
The sour smell of unwashed body mixed with the stale scents of mold and rotten things tickled her nose. She fought the nausea boiling in her stomach at the disgusting mixture of smells. As if from a distance, she heard startled cries and felt someone’s hands around her waist, but the old man was strong and she stayed locked in his grip.
“I know you.” A whisper, but for its power to affect her, he might as well have shouted. Pungent breath wafted to her nostrils. “You are the Elect.”
His hands traveled upward and wrapped around her throat. With the arms pulling at her from behind and the old man’s fingers crushing her throat, Mira’s foggy brain couldn’t come up with one self-defense technique to free herself.
“You are evil. Your presence will topple the world. You must die.” The old man chanted. Spittle flew onto her face.
Her vision narrowed until all she saw was his pale blue eyes, the white shot through with red. Suddenly, she could breathe again. Choking, Mira grabbed her neck and stared wide-eyed at the scene before her. The old man had been grappled to the floor, his face flattened on the tile.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Very nice.
ReplyDeleteOther than a few nitpicks about word choice (grabbing versus seizing), this really opens the floodgates to questions.
Instead of "rotten things," try rot. It's a definite idea, rather than the waffling "things."
It is interesting that she is considered evil when this vampire (correct?) is baring down on her. Nicely done.
Great descriptive images! I especially liked the verb "boiling" that you used to describe her nausea.
ReplyDeleteIn the last paragraph, it seems contradictory that "she could breathe again," yet in the next sentence she's "choking."
This is a good start! I just have a few kind of nitpicks.
ReplyDeleteYour second sentence slows down the speed of the action, the way it's phrased-- "With surprising speed, he lunged at her," would give a stronger impression of speed if he lunged first, I think. You do this with "Suddenly" at the end too-- stating the suddenness kind of slows it down (and I am totally guilty of this too!)
The other thing that caught me was when the old man "chanted" It didn't really feel like a chant to me, but I kind of felt as though I would have liked some breathing room between the things he's saying, like perhaps if the dialogue tag were in the middle. This might be a personal preference thing though.
I didn't notice the breathe again/choking pair until Amy said it, but I think you could just cut choking and that sentence would work just fine. There's so much imagery and action packed into this first 250 words, it really gets us moving and involved in the story!
Where is the table? The generic time/place/time period of the opening had me wondering through the entire read. Six or seven words would fix it. I'd for sure read on but I feel like I'm missing something or that the first page was torn out of the book.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't hooked. To me, it seemed you were trying too hard to be 'writerly.' Here is a woman who is dragged across a table and is being threatened with death by a maniac and I'm reading about smells and the nausea they're causing her. I'm reading about a foggy brain. Through this whole thing, she doesn't scream, speak, cry or gasp. She just describes things. There's no emotion involved.
ReplyDeleteWhat I want to know, see, feel is her terror. I want to hear her thoughts. I want to know what she did to try to save herself. This should be a very tense and fast scene but it drags with all the description. Perhaps concentrate more on the action and make me feel what *she's* feeling, from her POV rather than a narrator's?
I enjoyed your vivid description, strong word choices, and the flow. I do think there was a touch of overkill in the smell department. Someone is attacking her, calling her evil, and stating she will topple the world. Your protag should have a thought or feeling about this. It doesn't need to be drawn out or too introspective. Even something as simple as "what was this lunatic talking about?". I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteAgree with above on all counts. Combine all smelling elements into one sentence and add some feeling from Mira. It is very vivid, but needs tightening. I would keep reading but with little patience for overwriting. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteYour MC has no thoughts at all. I found the scene rather unbelievable and forced. Surely a woman who's dragged across a table and almost killed would worry about other things than smell and nausea building up inside her. There's also a little too much overwriting. I wasn't hooked.
ReplyDeleteOn the right track. Cut the words down by half, show failed attempts to get away and get us into what happens next. Polish dialog. I wasn't bothered by the lack of thoughts. When I'm scared as hell I have a heightened awareness of sensations. I'm not thinking "boy, I'm scared, wonder if I'm gonna survive, this reminds me of the time..."
ReplyDeleteI would pare down the smell description, as it slows down the urgency. I would shorten up the sentences to create a more urgent pace as well.
ReplyDeleteI like paranormal romance so I'd keep reading on.
I thought this was good. It starts with action and doesn't get bogged down in backstory. The mention that Mira is the Elect and therefore evil intrigued me.
ReplyDeleteThis starts right in the action, but as a former journalist, I was looking for just a little more scene-setting.
ReplyDeleteInstead, there was a whole lot of olfactory information, including "tickled her nose," a phrase that sounds off-key to me when you're in the thick of the action, you know?
But all in all, it's fast-paced capably written, and I'd read a little more.
If this is page one, chapter one, I don't get a sense of drama. Coupled with being a little annoyed at how stale scents of mold tickles her nose. I don't associate such a strong sense of adverse smells, causing nausea and vomiting with tickling.
ReplyDeleteI sense I think, you need to start with the drama of something like the old man's statement of You must die sentence and backtrack, last para follows about and work it around the other way. That way there's a bit more hook and action.
This sample is okay. The writing is certainly more than competent, and the descriptions aren't bad (although, could be tightened a bit), but for some reason I'm still not drawn into this one. Maybe because it doesn't feel like anything different? It just reads like a generic tense scene.
ReplyDelete