TITLE: The Crysallis
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
Her eyes set her apart first, then, slowly, through the course of conversation, unease set in. There was something different about her. Something artificial.
Jordan Meadows couldn’t keep her eyes off the young woman with the turquoise glow escaping the back of her neck. Red beams lit the room, casting her guests in a crimson haze. She slipped her hand under the table and nudged her husband.
He looked over at her and hissed, “What?”
She nodded toward the woman across the table. “Look at her.”
“What about her?” His voice was agitated.
“She’s modified.”
“And?”
“I wonder how Stuart got the money to get it done.”
“It’s probably a back alley job.”
“Really?” Her eyes lit up at the prospect, but his cold glare killed her enthusiasm. “Glen, I’m just curious.”
“I bet.” He turned back to his dinner. He poked at the steak with his fork, then placed it down with a sigh.
“Is everything alright, Glen?” Stuart chimed in above the light conversation.
“Yes, I’m just tired.” He gave a smile, but his eyes refused to join in.
Their dining room was a tad small for the eight people seated, but it was filled with antiquities of the old country, where things were done by hand and they had not acquired the Crysallis. They had been left behind and shut off from the benefits of the crystals, though they never asked for help.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'd like to know more about the converse that made Jordan feel uneasy. Could you add some dialogue that she's overhearing?
ReplyDeleteThis beginning is interesting and raises a lot of questions, but I think the order should be changed:
ReplyDelete"Jordan Meadows couldn’t keep her eyes off the young woman with the turquoise glow escaping the back of her neck.
Red beams lit the room, casting her guests in a crimson haze. The woman's eyes set her apart first, Then, slowly, through the course of conversation, unease set in. There was something different about her. Something artificial.
Jordan slipped her hand under the table and nudged her husband."
By the way, whose guest? The young woman's or Jordan's?
I really like Theresa's suggestions above!
ReplyDeleteEither way, my curiosity is piqued!
I get the beginning and like the order of the first 2 paragraphs, it's the last paragraph that kinda threw me....I think you should tighten the last paragraph up a bit, use hand wrought possibly instead of "where things were done by hand" and the last sentence is a bit awkward to read. Is "they" the people in the old country and if so is that the same "they" seated at the table?
ReplyDeleteHope that helps, I had trouble trying to pinpoint why it was awkward to me but still, I would keep reading because of the novel concept.
I had to reread the first paragraph before I understood that it was the narrating character talking about someone else. I'd maybe flip it, too, so that you have the character you're in the head of introduced first. I do like this idea of modification and back-alley jobs though! It sounds like an interesting premise!
ReplyDeleteI also was a little bit thrown off by the final sentence here, with the "they had been left behind" I wasn't sure what the they referred to really, but I think that would be a fairly easy fix! I definitely want to know what this Crysallis is, and what it means, and how this woman was modified.
I agree with Theresa's suggestion on paragraph order, and I love the overall idea presented here. But the last paragrph is a bit confusing to read. I wasn't sure who 'they' were, and it did seem to slip into the husband's, or perhaps a narrator's pov. Either way, it doesn't seem to be Jordan's. But, it is intriguing. I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteI totally think you should start with the red glowing neck part. Holy cow, that almost pulled my eyes from my head.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Theresa's suggestion about the beginning. I'm into it at first, but you lost me on the last paragraph. Not sure I'd read on, but not my genre. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteVery intriguing ideas here: a mod surgery that creates aura-glow-special effects?
ReplyDeleteFirst, I was struck by too many mentions of "her eyes," both in first and second graph. Also, if the eyes are so important, what color are they? Especially in an opening filled with colors.
I experienced pronoun confusion in the last paragraph: too many "theys." Did the "things" get left behind and never asked for help?
I'm interested, but clarity is king, even when trying to hook us.
The POV violations threw me off. You also use 'to be (was, were)' quite often. I'd cut the first paragraph and start with the second because, like some of the others, I found it confusing. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteYou set up the genre early which I appreciated.
ReplyDeleteDon't think you can hiss "What?"
I didn't realize Stuart was at the table with them. Caught me off guard.
Last paragraph breaks the flow.
Nits:
ReplyDeleteHe looked over at her and hissed, “What?”
Unless it has an "s" sound, it's not hissed to me.
Who is Stuart and when did he get here?
And for some reason the last paragraph disconnected me to the story.
You seem to be using 'she' and 'her' to refer to two different people in the first two paragraphs. I got confused as to which character was being referred to. I think the suggestions for switching paragraph order would help clarify this.
ReplyDeleteI was also confused in the last paragraph, particularly the last sentence. Coming on top of the mention of the crysallis in the sentence before, it's a bit too much and I'm unsure who 'they' are. It feels like backstory and I'd prefer to hear more about the back alley modification - that's a good hook.
If this is page 1, chapter one you don't have a hook. I am not sure what I'm getting into. If I can say maybe I get a sense that the world build is going to need more work as you go through the story but that you need not to go to fast such as to tell me the back of her neck was glowing(?) - think of it like a pan into a Simpsons episode where you come from above seeing that this is suburbia and pan down to the Simpson house where you enter the house through the sitting room window. But that is aided by visual. What you need here is to do it in a pace that suits writing. More action and then getting your world build on solid ground.
ReplyDeleteThe narrative in this sample isn't nearly as strong as the dialog. The dialog is quick-paced and what they're talking about is intriguing, but the narrative at the beginning and end is awkward and clunky. I don't think I'd keep reading at this point.
ReplyDelete