TITLE: Velvet Ball and The Broken Fairy
GENRE: MG - Fantasy
After visiting Grandma, Velvet trudged home through the forest along a well-worn animal trail. Riding her bike down the dirt road was quicker, but she wasn’t in any mood to be teased by nasty boys again. It wasn’t her fault she was bald. She sighed. At least she hadn’t caught head lice like the rest of her class.
When she reached the clearing, she adjusted her cotton hat to avoid the hot sun as it shimmered through the trees. Squatting on the soft green grass to pick purple wildflowers, she watched little wrens of many colours flutter all around. Velvet loved their tiny chirping songs and stopped to listen.
“Help!” cried a squeaky voice. “Help me!”
Velvet scratched her head and looked around, but didn’t see anyone.
“Hey, you! I’m up here! My foot’s stuck, and I can’t get down.”
Shielding her eyes with her hand, Velvet stared at the treetops. A long-legged fairy doll was hanging upside down from the bough of a tree.
Its mouth moved. “Are you gonna help me, or not?”
Velvet blinked. Was she seeing things? Her heart skipped, but she felt rather silly. It must be a battery toy. Somebody was playing a stupid joke on her.
But the doll spoke again. “Little girl. Are you deaf? Or blind? You can’t just leave me here to perish.”
Velvet gasped. “Are you talking to me?”
The doll’s long red ponytail swung to and fro as it struggled to grab a branch. “Get me down, and I’ll grant you a wish.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
oh! MG doesn't usually hook me but this is really cute and left me with lots of questions such as why the girl is bald? I'd keep reading!
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering what the fairy's personality will be like. Her first two questions make her sound a bit sharp, but her next statement sounds desperate.
ReplyDeleteVelvet wearing a hat, but scratching her head? Maybe say that she stuck her finger under the hat so I can get the visual. Perhaps that's when you can first mention the hat.
I like the set up. You drew me in. Velvet is a great name for a character - especially since she has no hair!
The fairy seems kind of cranky, but I kind of like that! Most of the time, fairies seem to be all flowers and kittens, and this is a nice change. I think this is a good start-- it gets us right into the action with the wish-offering.
ReplyDeleteI didn't really like the head scratching, it took me out of the writing for a minute, and I wasn't sure about the phrase "battery toy" but I can't think of a better way to say it off the top of my head.
I'd keep reading!
You had me laughing in the first paragraph with the head lice comment. I knew right away I wasn't getting a character who was going to sit around feeling sorry for herself or who was bitter.
ReplyDeleteAll I'd change is the "Was she seeing things?" line. The line before it is - She blinked - which says she's unsure of what she's seeing, so "was she seeing things' is a bit redundant. You could cut it.
Hooked!
Love the character name, love bald and the rude fairy!
ReplyDeleteHooked for sure.
The first paragraph left me wondering why the little girl was bald.
ReplyDeleteI love the tone of the rude fairy because it's new and different and made me laugh. I would continue reading. Definitely agree with the others, Velvet is a great name.
Fun- I liked the MC's attitude about the bald v.s. head lice. It was a good glimpse into her head.
ReplyDelete'battery toy' threw me a bit too, but perhaps it's a phrase used outside of the US? I would think battery-operated toy or remote-controlled toy. Not sure.
Anyway- fun fairy character and I would read on for sure.
Fun read and interesting story. Didn't like the head scratching either, but easy enough to fix thanks to Theresa. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI was hooked right into the first page. Like the others, I like that the fairy has a different personality than other fairies. And I loved the head lice line, so I'd definitely keep that.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the gentle action of this piece, and the vivid descriptions.
ReplyDeleteVelvet is already emerging as a great character and there's a great hook at the end to keep me reading.
I liked it...very cute.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if a middle school kid would wonder what Velvet's wish will be, but I was...will it be something about her bald head?
I liked it and I'm anxious to know the wish.
ReplyDeleteI'd skip the whole paragraph with the battery. Not needed. Kids are used to toys that talk.
ReplyDeleteI'd tighten this up and get more use out of the first 250 words.
Cute. Liked the head lice line, says a lot about the character's personality and voice. I also like that the fairy isn't the angelic type, but has more of a tart bite to her words, makes for a different take.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading and I normally don't go for middle grade or fantasy.
The head lice line had me laughing, but I'd cut the first three words about coming from Grandma's place. It just read awkwardly to me. No one else has mentioned it though, so perhaps it's not an issue.
ReplyDeleteThis dropped into a good groove after the second paragraph: action, characterization, some interesting questions about what might happen next.
ReplyDeleteBut I felt the first paragraph jumped around from straight narrative (first sentence) to kind of in her head (second) to something that read like 3rd person omniscient ("It wasn't her fault...") and read like a tell, then narrative (she sighed) then back to 3rd omni.
Second graf was more consistent narrative.
I'd retool the first graf and then away you go!
Sorry but your voice doesn't reflect in the story. You don't establish a convincing world with any urgency. So the m/s lacks oomph. If this is page 1, chapter 1, you really need a hook. This might have it but at this stage it's very mild.
ReplyDeleteThat's quite a generalization, Ms Penney. How can you say the manuscript 'lacks oomph', if you haven't read it?
ReplyDeleteJudging from the other comments you cared to leave on this site, I doubt you ever read anything else than romance if you cannot find a hook in ANY of the submissions.
If you cannot find at least one positive thing to say about your fellow writers' work, why leave a comment in the first place? What is it you want to demonstrate by being rude to everyone?
And no, I'm not the writer, but I feel a need to point out there's several good points here that would make a child want to read on.
Maybe Zara Penney has her own writing submitted here and that might give a reason for her negative remarks.
ReplyDeleteI liked the MC and the attitude of the fairy is refreshing. It is hard to have a great hook in such a short space of writing, but I was left wondering why the MC was bald and even fairies have off days. I would read on for these two reasons, to find out why bald, and if the fairy mellows out. Kids would probably find the fairy funny. It takes a lot more to hold kids attention these days then a cute, fantasy story.
Zara Penney, just because you don't have an agent and your romance doesn't sell isn't a reason to pick on other readers. Shame on you! You wouldn't know a good story if it bit you on the ---. This was a great hook if you ask me. Better than any of your beginnings!
ReplyDeleteI like the idea - a girl who must be bald for a reason (ill??) gets the chance to doing something about her situation in life.
ReplyDeleteRight away, I assumed that the girl might have cancer and lost her hair due to chemo. If that's the case, you created sympathy right off the bat. The reader feels connected, cares...and wants to know what happens to her.
The one sticking point - the head scratching point. For some reason, it didn't flow with the rest of her actions. Too forced, perhaps.
And I also like the personality of the fairy...different.
I like the idea - a girl who must be bald for a reason (ill??) gets the chance to doing something about her situation in life.
ReplyDeleteRight away, I assumed that the girl might have cancer and lost her hair due to chemo. If that's the case, you created sympathy right off the bat. The reader feels connected, cares...and wants to know what happens to her.
The one sticking point - the head scratching point. For some reason, it didn't flow with the rest of her actions. Too forced, perhaps.
And I also like the personality of the fairy...different.
I love the idea of a broken fairy. That hooked me right there. I can only imagine what kind of wished a broken fairy might grant, or try to grant.
ReplyDeleteI think she's bald because mom (?) shaved her head so she wouldn't get lice, right?
Good luck!
I like this. You highlighted that she was different (bald - my first thought was chemo) and stumbling into a talking doll trapped in a tree was a very cute, interesting start. You have just enough descriptions to set the scene too.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for the great comments. I'll get rid of the head scratching and battery toy for sure. That helped so much. I might delete the walking home from Grandma’s too.
ReplyDeleteYou all rock!
I like the concept for this, and the fact that the author jumps right into the action, but I also feel like too much happened in just a couple hundred words. We find out she's bald, that her whole class got lice, that she was teased, and now that a fairy doll is talking to her. I think it would be more helpful if we got to know Velvet a little better first before getting into the fantastical action. Not that you need to add a whole chapter for her or anything, but let's spend a little more time in her head and how she feels about the kids at school making her feel badly.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Joanna, I'll work on that.
ReplyDeleteThanks Authoress, and also to all the great critters.