TITLE: Two Chocolates Short of Crazy
GENRE: Women's Fiction
Two days before college graduation, just back from a senior trip to Yosemite, I still lived in Technicolor.
I pushed open our apartment door. “Claire?"
Miss Snark's First Victim
Miss Snark's First Victim
You've got my attention. The northwest and a loner (she's been camping?) and I'm curious.
ReplyDeleteI was intrigued by the title, but I found there was too much going on in the first sentence. This has potential but doesn't hook me as written.
ReplyDeleteLove the line, "I still lived in technicolor"...Hooked
ReplyDeleteI like the techincolor line. Not sure what it has to do with anything though. I'm hooked enough to see if the next bit helps me out.
ReplyDeleteWasn't sure what the first sentence was trying to convey. Not hooked.
ReplyDeleteLove the title. However, this isn't really my genre and nothing in these couple lines screams at me to give it a chance.
ReplyDeleteLove the title, like the first line a lot, but the title, and the each of the 2 paragraphs don't seem to fit together, just 3 separate things.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on a little.
Not hooked yet... the first line is too stiff and information-y. And it doesn't flow into the second line.
ReplyDeleteThere's so much going on in the first sentence that I feel a bit lost - we have before and after and now, in Technicolor.
ReplyDeleteSomehow, without knowing the story, I think the Technicolor bit is your hook.
Curious enough to read onward. I get the feeling something bad is about to happen in that apartment.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence is a bit awkward, though I liked the "technicolor" part.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. The first sentence is too busy, but the technicolor grabs me. Find a way to keep the technicolor and shorten the sentence.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on the check it out. As others have said, great title.
ReplyDeleteHooked by the first sentence, but kind of jarred by the second. I'm expecting the narrator to expound a bit on what living in Technicolor means, so the switch to opening the apartment door takes me out of the flow.
ReplyDeleteI'd read more to see if the narrator goes back and explains.
I would definitely read on. She's opening a new door. She's in a period of her life where she is about to transition. And you throw us right into a scene.
ReplyDeletei don't know why (because nothing really happened) but i'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteMaybe move first sentence to later on, and start with pushing open apartment door?
ReplyDeleteI think this is interesting. I like it.
ReplyDeleteLove the title and the first sentence. The second one, though, seems too abrupt.
ReplyDeleteThe title hooked me, but not the first 25.
ReplyDeleteLove the title. It sounds like this is going to be a wild and crazy adventure. Perhaps a humorous opening line to go with those chocolates.
ReplyDeleteI like the title and the reference to Technicolor. I'd read more although I usually don't like Women's Fiction.
ReplyDeletei'm the odd one out here on technicolor--doesn't sound comtemporary enough to me --or wait it's capitalized is that a place?
ReplyDelete