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Thursday, March 25, 2010

16 YA Paranormal

TITLE: Chaos Happens
GENRE: YA Paranormal


The girl’s bathroom stunk. Not ‘normal’ stinkage. Something worse. Something—eeewww.
A girl stumbled out of the stall, wiping her face and shaking. Janie Morris.
at

19 comments:

  1. angelareneMarch 25, 2010 at 9:28 AM

    I would change the "eeewww" either to a more descriptive word or a word that reads better like p.u. or yuck because the spelling of the current word isn't effective...I would read more though...

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  2. TamiMarch 25, 2010 at 9:32 AM

    Barely hooked. I'm curious to know why the bathroom smelled so abnormally bad, but I don't feel an attachment to the voice of the main character yet.

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  3. Jodi MeadowsMarch 25, 2010 at 9:37 AM

    Er. Kinda hooked?

    Stink is pretty vague. She's-a-zombie stink? Or she had too much Mexican food for lunch stink?

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  4. fairchildMarch 25, 2010 at 9:53 AM

    Agree with Angela. Bathroom stink, imo, is something you don't want to be vague about. Spawns all kinds of unpleasant thoughts...making me not want to read on.

    As is, not hooked.

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  5. SelestialMarch 25, 2010 at 9:57 AM

    I'm torn. I'm curious what made this smell so much worse, but I'm not sure I'd read a lot longer unless we get a lot more soon.

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  6. Meghan S.March 25, 2010 at 10:03 AM

    I'm not sure what "normal stinkage" would be, but I'm interested to know why Janie is shaking. I would read on

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  7. Cate KariaxiMarch 25, 2010 at 10:28 AM

    Not hooked here... I'm not sure if Janie is the protagonist... if not, then the protagonist is too invisible right off.

    "Something - ewwww." <- You could assert the protagonist (if it isn't Janie) and also show this a little more by having the character slap a hand over her nose and angle her head to see who was in the stalls.

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  8. Carolyn Chambers ClarkMarch 25, 2010 at 11:25 AM

    vomit to start a novel? no thanks...

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  9. KateeMarch 25, 2010 at 12:08 PM

    The "eeewww" threw me off. Still, I'd probably read a little more.

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  10. UnknownMarch 25, 2010 at 12:15 PM

    Thank you all for your responses! This is very helpful.

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  11. BarbaraMarch 25, 2010 at 12:32 PM

    If you're going to start with an awful smell, let us smell it. Don't say it stunk, clue us in on what it smelled like.

    Of course, making it too graphic might turn some readers off. Maybe start with the girl stumbling out of the stall, then go into the smell?

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  12. Valerie KempMarch 25, 2010 at 12:38 PM

    When I first read this I thought you mean A girl, rather than THE bathroom. Maybe leave off girl's and just say the bathroom?

    I'm curious about what's happening, but not sure I'm hooked yet.

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  13. Joshua McCuneMarch 25, 2010 at 12:57 PM

    Seems more like a boy's bathroom than a girl's.

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  14. IrisMarch 25, 2010 at 2:03 PM

    Not hooked.

    An awful stink in the first sentence just turns my stomach (my imagination is all too helpful), and I am not invested enough in the story to be interested.

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  15. Vicki RochoMarch 25, 2010 at 2:13 PM

    My first impression was that the MC was standing in the doorway of the bathroom overpowered by the stink, and that she was saying Janie Morris was the cause.

    The second time through, I get (I think) that Janie had just vomited, but I'm still not clear on where this is going and who I should be rooting for. Not hooked

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  16. christinaMarch 25, 2010 at 4:59 PM

    describe the smell and then I'd be hooked!

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  17. StellaMarch 25, 2010 at 10:39 PM

    I was distracted by the "eeewww" and found myself mentally trying out various pronunciations rather than getting into the story, I'm afraid.

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  18. ChristiMarch 25, 2010 at 10:40 PM

    Not really hooked. A bit curious, but not enough to pick up the book and do more than read the back jacket.

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  19. MercMarch 26, 2010 at 10:21 PM

    Not quite hooked yet, sorry.

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