Not hooked. I didn't like 'the little voice' right away. I'm wanting instinct, a feeling, or even a person to 'tell' her to go to the subway. That would raise my curiosity.
The sentence is fine. But I think it would work better as the opening of the second paragraph. I think it would be more intriguing actually if it followed a first paragraph that solidly puts me in the scene. Otherwise it's too vague which I don't find intriguing.
I have no idea what your story is about so I can't use it but since I fear I wasn't clear here's what I mean using my own story--not that this is a great opening but I hope it shows what i mean:
Ali watched the bare branches dance in the wind outside the windows of the grand hotel. While others finished their tea and talked of afternoon excursions, she knew she'd not indulge in such frivolities.
The little voice told her to go straight to the subway after leaving the Bexley Hotel.
Not hooked. I didn't like 'the little voice' right away. I'm wanting instinct, a feeling, or even a person to 'tell' her to go to the subway. That would raise my curiosity.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I do love the title.
ReplyDeleteThe little voice in her head told...
ReplyDeleteI'd read on.
I'd continue reading to gain additional info.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading!
ReplyDeleteTwenty five words isn't much to work with, but this just felt flat for me. I might read on, but I wouldn't be expecting much.
ReplyDeleteThis is great. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on just to find out if it's an actual voice or her inner instinct.
ReplyDeleteLightly hooked. There isn't enough info to really know, and I would certainly read on to find out the context of that sentence.
ReplyDeleteThe truth is, I am often MOST hooked by a build up from the first sentence, so depending on what comes next, this could be very successful or not.
Okay, you've got my attention.
ReplyDeleteI like little voices telling characters what to do. That tends to keep things interesting.
Probably, depending on the next sentence.
ReplyDeleteHooked - I have to know if that voice is imaginary or from earphones?
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, only because the 'little voice' isn't clear. Is it insider her ahead or literally someone telling her?
ReplyDeleteI like this. I want to know if the little voice is real or not. And I do not think it needs to be explained in the first sentence. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteAlmost hooked, though it would depend a lot on the rest of the paragraph/next few sentences.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on.
ReplyDeleteHah! I like this. Of course, I might fall out of like once I learn what the little voice is, but it opens up some interesting possibilities.
ReplyDeleteAs I read on, I might be disappointed in what the little voice turns out to be or I could be right on in one of my immediate guesses.
But I think I will be disappointed overall as it seems like a great start to something irreverent and mystery usually isn't irreverent.
The sentence is fine. But I think it would work better as the opening of the second paragraph. I think it would be more intriguing actually if it followed a first paragraph that solidly puts me in the scene. Otherwise it's too vague which I don't find intriguing.
ReplyDeleteI have no idea what your story is about so I can't use it but since I fear I wasn't clear here's what I mean using my own story--not that this is a great opening but I hope it shows what i mean:
Ali watched the bare branches dance in the wind outside the windows of the grand hotel. While others finished their tea and talked of afternoon excursions, she knew she'd not indulge in such frivolities.
The little voice told her to go straight to the subway after leaving the Bexley Hotel.
I'm hooked enough to keep reading the first paragraph before deciding if I'd read the story.
ReplyDelete