TITLE: The Garden at the Roof of the World
GENRE: Historical Fantasy
Gwenaella was the first to receive the call to serve the unicorns, and she alone received hers from the first woman.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Miss Snark's First Victim
Partial hook. It feels like a history lesson - pulled back from Gwenaella rather than close in on her. But I love unicorns, so I'd keep going.
ReplyDeleteI like how many questions this sets up. What does it mean to serve the unicorns, who's the "first woman," etc. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI think I've seen this story on OWW before. ;)
ReplyDeleteThe POV is a bit distant for my taste, but I like unicorns, so I'd read on, at least a little longer.
Nice.
ReplyDeleteI want to read more. Hooked.
ReplyDeleteI like the first half, but the second half made me stop and say- first woman what? first woman ever? like Eve? Though, perhaps the next line will explain that.
ReplyDeleteAnd I hesitate to say this because I know how characters can just come to you with their names and that's it, but Gwenaella is such a mouthful. If someone was hesitant how to read it, they might stop reading. If your dead set on that name, maybe you could use "She" here to get the reader drawn in first. That would also be less distant.
Not hooked. I like the idea that she's been called to serve the unicorns. But if she was the first to be called, then the first woman (by default) wouldn't have called anyone else.
ReplyDeleteToo much information in one little sentence.
ReplyDeletePartial hook. I'm a little confused. If she's the first to receive the call, who is the 'first woman' from whom she's receiving it? But, then again, I like unicorns, so I'll give you leverage to work with. I'll read on.
ReplyDeleteI *really* like the first half, but I'm on the fence about the first woman. But I'd definiely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteA little hooked. The second half made me read it again, which I don't like.
ReplyDeleteOn the fence.
ReplyDeleteHooked on the premise, but the sentence was a little awkward.
ReplyDeleteAs other have said...I like the premise definitely. I think a little re working of the sentence will make it really pop! I'd definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteHuh. Partially hooked--it felt a little long with the second part of the sentence, but I'm intrigued by "serve the unicorns".
ReplyDeleteIt's a bit vague, and distant. But the vagueness would actually keep me reading, and I like the unicorn reference.
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked. I'd have to say I'm more confused than anything.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'll agree with what susiej said about the name Gwenaella. Personally I have a hard time with fantasy names. There have been times when names that I can't wrap my brain around have caused me to put down a book or at the very least caused more confusion. Instead of reading names I start glossing over them and mentally inserting something like, "that G-lady."
That being said, if I was hooked before reaching a complicated name then I would be more likely to keep reading.
I hope this helps.