Not hooked. The two sentences feel unrelated, though they're obviously not, and having dialogue in the first line feels off here. I'd even prefer: "Devin was on fire. Kate grabbed one of the buckets of water…"
HOOKED! by the first sentence. The second sentence is a little wordy (how 'bout "bonfire" instead of "bonefire's light"?). But you've sucked me in....NICE! ㋡
I agree with the tag comments made above. The second sentence sounded very detached and calm, which was in contrast to a person on fire, and that threw me a bit. In spite of the 'grabbing' which is active, the static vision of a bucket sitting and waiting feels very passive.
It caught my attention. But were they planning on putting someone out? Why were there buckets (plural) of water right there? Maybe this is answered in later sentences.
I approve of openings with people on fire. Like others have mentioned, if it was a bit clearer whether or not Kate was speaking, it'd be great! Still hooked. ;)
Good, but not quite superb. I would keep reading if I had the book in my hands, but not necessarily track down the book based on the opening line. Readable with action, but not obviously unique.
I said I'd let you know why I didn't like this so here goes.
I'm not a fan of dialoge openings.
I'm a more visual person and having a scene painted in my mind at the beginning of a book is what draws me in. I want to be there. To see what the character is seeing, smelling, etc.
I'd like to "see" Devin on fire instead of having the dialogue tell me Devin is on fire. Describe the flames licking across her back (or hair or whatever) or the smell of the burning clothing (or hair or whatever).
I came to this knowing that it was yours, and knowing that there were a lot of not hooked. I wasn't sure what to expect. Then I found it, and was hooked. I want to know why he's on fire, what's going on, and why Kate's got buckets of water on hand. Is being on fire a normal experience? Were they performing some other task than dousing Devin? So yes. Definitely hooked.
Now I know who wrote this, I must say that you have sinned according to somebody who didn't like exclamation marks. Phooey I say to them. I think of Clark Gable at the end of the movie saying "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." You can say this a dozen different ways and they can even have different meanings when you do. The drama of the opening dialogue is just that. Of course you could say "Devin was on fire". Okay, it works but boy it's slower than a dialogue which is much more immediate and intimate and dramatic. No explanation needed. I also cannot for the life of me say never start a novel with a dialogue. Again. Why the hell not?!! The second sentence only needs you to take out 'that'. That's are very unnecessary clumsy words. I'm editing a section of my WIP which was a first draft and if that's were fish on a fishing trip, I'd be eating fish cakes, fish on toast, rehashed fish and re rehashed fish for weeks. A friend who is my partner critiquer, and a Prof of English admonished me for starting sentences with 'There'. That's another no no. And when I challenge me to reword, I end up with more solid sentence construction. But honestly, no smoozing, and I'm not related, and I'm not your mother (or not to be sexist, your father) but I am hooked. The kid in me recognises the voice. Nothing forced and 25 words is like finding 25 cents in your pocket. It can buy you a piece of chewing gum so you carry on reading why poor old Devin IS on fire. And all this for 25 words, but I DO like the immediate, no fuss, and easy introduction to two characters.
Hooked. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm a fan of people on fire. However I'm confused if Kate is the one yelling or not.
ReplyDeleteMostly hooked. I'd read a little more to see if it kept me.
Not hooked. The two sentences feel unrelated, though they're obviously not, and having dialogue in the first line feels off here. I'd even prefer: "Devin was on fire. Kate grabbed one of the buckets of water…"
ReplyDeletePartial hook. I'd hope to get a quick sense of the MC's personality or voice.
ReplyDeleteI think this is great. It would be even better if it read:
ReplyDelete"Devin, you're on fire!" Kate shouted. She grabbed one of the buckets of water. . .
Hooked me though!
I'm interested...I'd read on to see if she got the fire out and if Devin was okay.
ReplyDeleteHooked!
ReplyDeleteHOOKED! by the first sentence.
ReplyDeleteThe second sentence is a little wordy (how 'bout "bonfire" instead of "bonefire's light"?). But you've sucked me in....NICE! ㋡
LOL! I loved it! I was thinking "on fire" as in sexy hot. Then came the bucket of cold water. I am Hooked.
ReplyDeleteHooked, though I feel like I was suckered into it...
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. I agree the second sentence is a bit wordy,but I would read on.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked, even though I agree with some suggestions about rewording the second sentence.
ReplyDeleteActually, this one really caught my attention.
Hooked! Looks like a fun read.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I'm 'hooked' per se, but I'm certainly amused, which will get me to read a few more paragraphs.
ReplyDeleteI'd definitely keep on reading, but think it was a good suggestion to add a dialogue tag if Kate was the one that spoke.
ReplyDeleteI wonder how many buckets of water happened to be sitting, waiting for their chance, just outside the circle of the bonfire.
ReplyDeletehooked
ReplyDeleteYes, hooked. :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with the tag comments made above. The second sentence sounded very detached and calm, which was in contrast to a person on fire, and that threw me a bit. In spite of the 'grabbing' which is active, the static vision of a bucket sitting and waiting feels very passive.
ReplyDeleteA good beginning for 25 words
It caught my attention. But were they planning on putting someone out? Why were there buckets (plural) of water right there? Maybe this is answered in later sentences.
ReplyDeleteI approve of openings with people on fire. Like others have mentioned, if it was a bit clearer whether or not Kate was speaking, it'd be great! Still hooked. ;)
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering how Devin could be on fire and not know. I'm not really hooked, just because there's a slight disconnect between the two lines.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I'm hooked. I do know the second sentence is too long to keep building the action, especially since the poor kid's on fire.
ReplyDeleteNot sure too about the MC being the one who's doing the dousing and not the one on fire.
Nice first line. Sets the stage in very few words. I'd read on to see whether or not it does hook me.
Good, but not quite superb. I would keep reading if I had the book in my hands, but not necessarily track down the book based on the opening line. Readable with action, but not obviously unique.
ReplyDeleteHooked. With a good back cover description I'd read this story.
ReplyDeleteI guess I'm alone in this but think the dialogue actually slows down the action and defuses the tension. To me,
ReplyDelete"Devin was on fire."
is stronger and more chilling.
Agree that the second sentence is wordy. I would almost like to see another sentence before Kate's describing the fire.
I said I'd let you know why I didn't like this so here goes.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a fan of dialoge openings.
I'm a more visual person and having a scene painted in my mind at the beginning of a book is what draws me in. I want to be there. To see what the character is seeing, smelling, etc.
I'd like to "see" Devin on fire instead of having the dialogue tell me Devin is on fire. Describe the flames licking across her back (or hair or whatever) or the smell of the burning clothing (or hair or whatever).
So there you have my $.02 for what it's worth. =D
I came to this knowing that it was yours, and knowing that there were a lot of not hooked. I wasn't sure what to expect. Then I found it, and was hooked. I want to know why he's on fire, what's going on, and why Kate's got buckets of water on hand. Is being on fire a normal experience? Were they performing some other task than dousing Devin? So yes. Definitely hooked.
ReplyDeleteNow I know who wrote this, I must say that you have sinned according to somebody who didn't like exclamation marks. Phooey I say to them. I think of Clark Gable at the end of the movie saying "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." You can say this a dozen different ways and they can even have different meanings when you do. The drama of the opening dialogue is just that.
ReplyDeleteOf course you could say "Devin was on fire". Okay, it works but boy it's slower than a dialogue which is much more immediate and intimate and dramatic. No explanation needed.
I also cannot for the life of me say never start a novel with a dialogue. Again. Why the hell not?!!
The second sentence only needs you to take out 'that'. That's are very unnecessary clumsy words. I'm editing a section of my WIP which was a first draft and if that's were fish on a fishing trip, I'd be eating fish cakes, fish on toast, rehashed fish and re rehashed fish for weeks. A friend who is my partner critiquer, and a Prof of English admonished me for starting sentences with 'There'. That's another no no. And when I challenge me to reword, I end up with more solid sentence construction.
But honestly, no smoozing, and I'm not related, and I'm not your mother (or not to be sexist, your father) but I am hooked.
The kid in me recognises the voice. Nothing forced and 25 words is like finding 25 cents in your pocket. It can buy you a piece of chewing gum so you carry on reading why poor old Devin IS on fire.
And all this for 25 words, but I DO like the immediate, no fuss, and easy introduction to two characters.