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Wednesday, March 3, 2010

#41 1000-Words

TITLE: A Change of Plans
GENRE: Women's Lit

Katrine looked at her watch; only an hour had passed, and this flight from Ecuador to Houston would last nine more. She put her book down and glanced at the man sitting next to her. She guessed that he was forty to forty-five years old. His watch was a Franck Muller, which she knew only because one of the bank’s wealthiest German clients had flaunted his, trying to get her into bed by offering to buy one for her, despite the fact that she was married.

“Would you like to kill some time with a game of Scrabble?” she asked. She needed a distraction; this trip was supposed to be her ten-year anniversary celebration with her husband. Ex-husband, she reminded herself.

He looked at her, raising his left eyebrow. “Oh, you have a traveling Scrabble game? You’ll have to teach me how to play, but I’m sure I can manage a simple word game. I have an excellent grasp of the English language, after all.”

He’s full of himself, she thought, but his deep voice and English accent enthralled her.

“Do you? Well, it’s travel, not traveling.”

“Oh, you’re one of those difficult, critical women, aren’t you?” he asked, a frown on his face. “Did you mate with some poor man and then eat him? Is that why you’re alone?”

She glared. “I’m alone because I’m doing what I want for a change. Traveling for now. And why are you alone? Wait, let me guess. There’s absolutely no one on earth as brilliant as you, so you find everyone’s company beneath you?”

“Precisely!” he answered, an enormous smile on his face.

She wanted to be angry, but found herself smiling back, enjoying the exchange. In spite of his obvious ego, she realized he was baiting her, challenging her to see if she was worthy of his attention. Her natural competitiveness gave her no choice but to enthusiastically accept. “I’m Katrine,” she said, offering her hand.

“Killian,” he replied as he took it and nodded his agreement toward the game. Although wary of involvement with a stranger, he was curious about this young woman; she was traveling in first class alone and her ring finger was bare. She wore a cotton suit with a white blouse, not the tacky clothing he associated with Americans, and had spent the last hour reading, which he had unsuccessfully tried to do. He needed a distraction, and she wasn’t entirely distasteful. Her quick retort and ability to take as well as give made him feel completely comfortable with her.

Katrine set up the board and explained the rules. “The first game will be practice.”

“Afraid I’ll win?” he asked. She raised an eyebrow in response, placed her word, and wrote her score in her notebook. They played for an hour and a half and though Katrine gave him pointers, she won by 108 points. Killian was annoyed at being beaten so badly, but he enjoyed playing, and more importantly, time passed quickly and the game kept his mind off the things that had been bothering him lately: his imminent reunion with his lover; his age, which he claimed was forty-three when in truth he would turn forty-eight in two weeks; his fight with his best friend, Hugh; the feeling of falling through space without a net, even though his career was peaking and his social schedule was always full.

“You catch on quickly,” she said. “If you’re half as smart as you think, you might win a game in the next seven hours.” She wanted him to learn the game well enough to make it fair, and then beat him so it was a true victory. She could work on her overly competitive issues another time.

They played three more games, so focused they barely spoke. When dinner was served they stopped because Katrine refused to play again until she’d eaten. She was nearly giddy as they served salmon and champagne. Until this trip she usually flew from New York to Europe on bank business; she hardly ever traveled for pleasure anymore. Matt had always been too busy; work was too important for a vacation.

“So, what are you reading?” she asked, motioning toward a thick bound document that she’d noticed him open and close repeatedly.

“Oh, a work project I’m considering,” he replied, stuffing the manuscript into his bag. She could tell he didn’t want her to know, which only made her more determined to find out.

“What were you doing in Ecuador?” she asked.

“Working. And you?”

“I just spent two incredible weeks in the Galapagos.”

“And was that the first stop on your travels?” he asked.

“Oh, I’ve already been to the Caribbean and Mexico. I’m spending four months going to places I like or have always wanted to see. Where are you going?”

“Well, I was in that bloody hot country for two months, so now I’m on my way to a well deserved vacation with my boyfriend,” he replied, watching her closely.

“Oh, is he in Houston?” she asked, not entirely surprised, thinking his hair and clothing were too perfect for any man who wasn’t gay.

“No, I’m meeting him in Fiji for a three week holiday,” he said, impressed that she had shown no reaction. He knew he wasn’t effeminate; there was always at least a slight reaction when he told people. After many years of keeping his homosexuality private, he felt a perverse joy in shocking people.

“Hey, I’m going to Fiji too!” They compared tickets and found that they had adjoining seats on the following flight.



They played two more games before the pilot announced their approach into Houston’s airport, Killian drawing slightly closer with each game, the banter and dictionary inspection intense.

“I think we’re the only ones still awake,” Katrine whispered.

“At this point I intend to stay awake until the flight from LA to Fiji.”

“I was just thinking that,” she said. “Apparently great minds do think alike. Although unless you win a game, I guess mine is just a bit greater.”

10 comments:

  1. I found your POV MIA. (Missing in action).

    I wouldn't want to play scrabble with such a rude person I didn't know. I think you ought to rethink this introduction, assuming that this passenger is a major protagonist.

    The conflict is very lightly based. I didn't get a sense of conviction. The conflict should involve something more deeply believable than just mere rudeness. Couldn't the Killan person resent her intrusion into his private thoughts? But then you have to rethink your POV because it's confusing to suddenly come from her head into his and then her again. YOu can't get to empathise with either character in the end.

    YOu mention they have nine hours to go on the flight which is a long time to play scrabble including a couple of meals and probably a movie - yet only within the space of the 1,000 words, nine hours of supposed comraderie playing two games of scrabble they only discover at the last minute they are both going to Fiji.

    Fiji is not a normal destination for a lot of people. It's a small island place with tourist resorts.

    I thought you'd be better off setting up a more believable set up. This piece reads like your opening chapter so it's important to make me like one of your characters at least.

    Your writing is okay. I am not criticising that. Just your characters didn't warm to me much.
    Give me more reason to like them is what I am basically saying.

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  2. I loved your excerpt.

    I enjoyed the setting on the plane, how you went right into the action, the mix of exotic and ordinary business details in the backstory, how you slipped in the description of her clothing instead of listing it, and how you painted a picture of two real people.

    You made me want to find out what happens next with these characters and the greater story.

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  3. I had the same reaction as Zara -- I didn't connect enough with the characters or the conflict here. I liked that Killian takes a perverse pleasure in shocking people and that Katrine is so competitive she takes rudeness as a challenge, so it's probably the scene rather than the characters themselves. Maybe there's a better way to introduce them than playing Scrabble on a plane?

    Good luck with your novel!

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  4. I'm sorry, I just didn't buy that opening. Asking a complete stranger to play scrabble? And then they immediately tear into each other with rude comments? You lost me there because I can't imagine people acting like that on a plane. So for me, you have some believability issues that were only exacerbated by the fact that they're both going to Fiji.

    Why is a woman flying alone in first class a curious thing?

    Watch the head-hopping, that's a no-no. We were in Katrine's POV and then suddenly we jump into Killian's with "he was curious about this young woman." If you want to have two POVs, use separate chapters or sections for each character.

    Maybe you can tell us a bit more about Katrine before jumping into the game. She's on a plane, heading for Fiji. How does she feel about the trip so far - is it what she expected, or does she feel lonely? Bored? Is she angry about her divorce? Is she looking forward to getting home, or dreading it? Does Killian remind her of her husband's divorce lawyer, so she's ready to tear into him? Just some thoughts to bring a little more characterization.

    Good luck!

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  5. I agree with the head jumping. I also felt the dialogue and situation was a little forced, and not natural. I do enjoy good banter between man and woman, however. I was a little interested as to what type of relationship these two are going to develop considering she's divorced and he is gay.

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  6. I enjoyed this, plus thought the author handled the shifting POV really well. If you look at bestselling author Nora Roberts, she often head-hops within a scene. Well done.

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  7. Funny, I just left another comment on another post in which the POV shifting didn't bother me - I felt it had real purpose. These shifts, though, did not have the same effect. I can't figure out who the protag is or why I should care. I didn't mind the rudeness of the banter per se, but it read like the beginning of a romance to me, which this isn't, to guess by Killian's romantic preferences.

    I have no idea where this is going, so I'm not hooked. I would say pick your protag and stay with them for at least one scene and, while I hate to have the story spelled out for me like I'm stupid, at least some sense of purpose would help me keep reading. Good luck!

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  8. The Author here,
    Thanks for the comments. Since it's five to two against the two POVs and rudeness, I guess I'll have to modify the opening. I've had mixed reactions to date on the same two points, so this is something of a final vote. I'm still going to keep the two POVs (done differently) since both are important to the story.

    It's a relationship story between two life-damaged (and not particularly pleasant) people who become better individuals in the unlikely partnership that they're forced into at the end of the flight. Time for a new opening! Thanks.

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  9. Hi there

    I found the head jumping very distracting. Stay in one POV for each scene.

    I fly first class by myself all the time. It isn't that big of a deal so I don't understand why that's an issue.

    I agree that 9 hours of scrabble--especially with a person who's English isn't their native language--might be a bit tedious. Killian--sounds very British. Doesn't sound like a name that a non-English speaker would have.

    Katrine has the potential to be an interesting character. I like that she's traveling by herself--to heck with the ex--shows gumption.

    Thanks for sharing. Best of luck

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  10. Sorry I'm getting to this late. Don't have much additional to add. Agree that I'd prefer a consistent POV, and also agree I don't like either character much. They both seem to be rich and have tons of spare time, so you need to create things we can either relate to or sympathize with. Killian's "problems" that you allude to don't really get me on his side, nor does Katrine's divorce, particularly since she comes off on the harsh side--maybe she was equally to blame in the divorce. Would an English speaker really have never played Scrabble? Is it that "American?" As far as the scenario itself, it's slightly unbelievable, but it's a novel, so I'm willing to expect something a little out of the ordinary. We don't pick up novels to read about ordinary people doing ordinary things. For me, I'm not hooked, partly because it's not my genre and partly because I can't identify with either character or zero in on a conflict. The writing itself is tight and solid.

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