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Wednesday, March 3, 2010

#42 1000-Words

TITLE: RING OF FIRE
GENRE: Offbeat suspense


At the moment of his death, Andy Hansen had never felt more alive.

The captain of the Carolina University wrestling squad was enjoying his senior year immensely. With only one loss so far, he was destined for All-America honors at the spring conference championships. This alone would have been enough to sustain his natural high, but adding three turquoise pills and a petite, auburn-haired freshman named Denise Graham into the mix made for one pumped-up wrestler.

Knowing he stood a very good chance of being shirtless that night, Andy wasn’t taking any chances. If he threw himself into an intense chest workout at the gym, his pecs would be suitably swollen, making an ever-so-inviting pillow for Denise’s fragrant head.

As he closed his apartment door, his hand brushed against a thick, blue piece of paper swinging from the knob. Stupid ad, he thought, and wadded it up.

When it crinkled in his fist, he smoothed the ad out again and discovered a small cellophane packet glued to the back. Three capsules rattled around inside. The headline proclaimed “Increase Your Strength! Maximize Your Reps! Enhance Your Performance the All-Natural Way!” RepMax, the attached product, claimed to be organic--free from ephedrine, synephrine and steroids, any of which could get him kicked off the team in a heartbeat. Andy was intrigued; if God made it, what harm could it do?

He shrugged. He was twenty-one, in the best shape of his life, a bonafide wrestling star with a hot new girlfriend in the wings. In a word: indestructible. He pinched out the pills and tossed them back with a swig of water. Might be just bee pollen, but what the hell. He stuffed the free sample coupon into his pocket.

During the light jog to the gym, he felt a tingling in his scalp. The late February air had a crisp, metallic taste. He rocketed through his normal bench press regimen; by his final set, he was already 50 pounds over his all-time max. And he didn’t even feel winded.

Andy noticed something else: his senses were sharper. The dumbbells clanging elsewhere in the gym were deafening. Red and blue rubber mats beneath the equipment swirled together in a wash of purple.

He beckoned a wiry-looking lifter over from the squat rack.

“You mind giving me a spot? I’m going for failure.” The term implied a hefty amount of assistance on the last rep. The spotter nodded.

Each of them slid another plate on the bar. The spotter gave Andy--all 183 pounds of him--a skeptical look.

Andy centered himself on the bench, exhaling ferociously to build up momentum. He grabbed the bar with meaty, gloved hands and jacked it up with an open-throated yowl. He lowered it steadily and envisioned the upcoming night.

He and Denise are entwined in a feverish embrace and she guides his hand around to her back.

One.

Following her lead, he inches his hand up under her sweater and unhooks her bra.

Two.

He removes his shirt, and her hands glide across his sculpted chest.

Three.

She removes her sweater, her bra threatening to fall away at any moment.

Four.

Pulling her closer, he gently tugs the bra out from between them, their bare chests heaving as one.

Five.

Her hand snakes down the outside of his thigh and delicately ventures toward his zipper.

Si-

Andy’s last conscious thought was of the disturbing pop in his chest. His arms flopped to the floor and the bar plummeted down. It bounced once off his ribcage and settled just over his sternum, perfectly balanced. The spotter struggled to lift it, but had no leverage.

The bar began to sink into Andy’s chest, snapping one rib after another. The spotter screamed for help, but the gym was empty. The bar sank further, causing the upper half of Andy’s torso to sit upright from the pressure. It stopped when it met the bench, after it had virtually bisected him. Andy remained inclined, mouth agape, arms dangling.

Seeing the doomed lifter bend at a grotesquely misplaced waist was too much for the spotter, who bolted from the room.

A campus cop named Nick Pappas arrived a few minutes later, accompanied by EMT. The paramedics hefted the bar off Andy, who slumped back and slid off the bench, his empty eyes wide with shock. While they looked the wrestler over, Sergeant Pappas pulled a scrap of paper and a student ID card from Andy’s shorts.

The funeral drew scores of athletes from across all CU’s teams. Still fingering the wrestler’s scrap of paper, now in his own pocket, Nick Pappas was among the mourners. After a Q&A with the rattled spotter revealed nothing, Nick saw the funeral as an opportunity to scrutinize the victim one last time. He didn’t like being in the dark, and Andy’s death was as close as he’d come to a real crime in his eighteen dreary months on the force.

It was an open-casket service. Andy’s mother had insisted her son be laid out in his Carolina-orange wrestling uniform. The autopsy scar presented a challenge, as the tip of it was visible above the neckline of his singlet, but she held firm. The mortician offered a compromise, and when Nick stepped toward the casket, he bit his forefinger to suppress a laugh.

Andy was wearing a dickey. A pristine white turtleneck ended abruptly at the straps and neckline of his tangerine singlet. Set off by his bulging shoulders and biceps, it made Andy appear bookish yet threatening, like a bouncer at a poetry slam. Andy's hands were clasped serenely at his waist, his class ring glinting in the reflection of the church’s stained glass.

After the Pinehaven town police took over the case, Nick followed what little the media doled out in the days after. The county coroner pardoned the anguished spotter by revealing that not only did Andy have upwards of 15mg of the banned herbal stimulant ma huang in his system, but also an undiagnosed aortic dissection. The time of death was deemed to be the moment his aorta tore open, flooding his chest cavity with blood.

Which was, of course, before he dropped the bar.

Nick Pappas’ personal theory was that Andy had been convinced the RepMax was organic, even harmless. Whoever gave him access to such a substance had to be an opportunist of the worst kind, preying on an innocent kid in the name of a quick buck.

Nick tacked the coupon next to Andy’s obituary on the corkboard in his office. Now, finally, he had something to do.

13 comments:

  1. This was very disconcerting. I pursued the read to find out maybe if you had some kind of interesting concept going. My curiosity was not rewarded. What was wrong?
    I went from Andy's POV to Nick Pappas in a 1000 words.

    Of course it is hard to grasp the storyline in a 1,000 words but I can't help feeling that since Andy was going to die why did I have to go through the process of all that if all he does is end up with such a short life?

    Another thing you should try to avoid is things like (in Andy's POV) say things like his 'sculptured' chest. Nobody thinks like this. 'hands going through my long blonde silky hair', or 'the wind blew my hairy arms'...

    You really have to also think hard about things like 'the anguished spotter'. You are assuming that the spotter is anguished. But you don't know if the spotter is unless you give me a reason to know how you know. You need to qualify his anguish. eg. 'The spotter was obviously anguished. He'd been crying during the inquiry.'

    I get the feeling that your opening piece is really the last sentence.

    ie.:

    'Nick tacked the coupon next to Andy's obituary on the corkboard in his office. Now, finally, he had something to do.'

    Don't you think that would be far more intriguing than taking your story at where the action starts?

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  2. I agree with much of what Zara said with a few exceptions.

    I can see why you gave all the info about Andy even if he dies right away. Him being a healthy young guy makes his death even more shocking and makes the crime that much worse.

    I am ok with the POV switch as long as you do something to show it is a different scene. Like *** or ###.

    One thing I didn't believe was the description of the bar bisecting him. It seems impossible. I can see it killing him but to cut him in half and cause him to end up sitting up?

    Also, if the spotter couldn't handle that much weight he should have said something. I would think he could have at least gone to the side and flipped the bar up enough that it fell off Andy.

    The last thing is the name. I don't know if you realize this but the phrase "ring of fire" is something moms learn when they are pregnant. It is the term for when the baby is crowning and the pain is like a ring of fire. That was the first thing I thought of and it has been 6 years since I had my son. I wonder if any other mothers agree or if I am just strange. :)

    But, I think this could be a really good book. I want to read more. I want the cop to find Andy's "killer" and pain for what he did to him.

    Hope that helps.

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  3. The good news--I read the entire 1000 words! I didn't skim through any of it. I like the tone, and for the most part it is well written.

    Bad news...yes, the POV changes were troubling. Mostly because how did he know he was going to die? Then we go into his thoughts about his night with his girlfriend and then all of a sudden we're introduced to Nick, who is apparently the MC. I know people do omnipotent all the time and can do it successfully, but I'm not much of a fan of that style. Is the entire book omnipotent or just this section? If it's that way through the entire book, it may work, otherwise you might need to break it up as suggested above.

    There were a few things that were cliche, like your first line. "Heaving Chests" was another one. Watch out for those.

    All in all, I thing your work is good and I'd keep reading.

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  4. Have to agree about the abrupt POV shift. Also, the voice of Andy didn't fit for me. Didn't buy him saying "immensely" or that the girl's hair was "fragrant." These terms felt a bit generic and not true to this character's voice. Also, as is, it feels very on the nose. Things happen to the wrestler, but they don't seem fresh or new. I was looking for excitement and drama, for the offbeat suspense promised.

    Then shifting to Nick's POV--is it really Nick? First it's the spotter, then Nick. These are abrupt jumps.

    Feels omniscient in places after moving to Nick. We are at the scene then the funeral too quickly. Then, how does Nick know what Andy's mother insisted? Was he there? Did the funeral director tell him? Why is he a mourner if he barely knew Andy? SO many question already to pull me out of the scene. Then we are out of Nick and in the mortician's Pov when talking about the scar. Very jarring.

    Now here's more to confuse. The case goes to someone else. Why? Why are we to care? Nick only seems a witness to events, not intricately involved in them. He has a theory of how an opportunist gave Nick the pills to make money, even though he has the ad the pills came attached to for free.

    I can't tell where this is going right now. I'd work on shoring up POV. Some interesting things can happen here. For ex, can't you start in Nick's POV as he investigates the scene and him imaging what Andy might have done or piece it together via an interview with the spotter? Good luck. I'm sure it will come together.

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  5. The POVs also jarred me. However, I also read the entire thing, so the concept was interesting to keep me into the story. I also agree with setting off Andy's story as something separate so we're not head jumping. I think you should give us Andy's story or else we don't have a reason to care about his untimely death.

    I also like the last line the best.

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  6. I disagree with the others. The POV shifts didn't bug me at all. I feel this is a piece in which you broke the POV "rule" very well. I was riveted and disturbed and there's no question I'd keep reading. Even the over the top self-description of his own body didn't bother me - he was full of himself and in love with his own power. But not even unlikable. I wanted him to score with his girlfriend ;)

    Yes, there are writing rules - but to me the point of writing is to tell a good story. And my heart was pumping almost as fast as Andy's.

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  7. Count me among the readers disconcerted by the POV shifts. :-)

    If you're planning to stick with Nick for the rest of the story, or most of it, you might want to start with Nick. There's something jarring about just getting to know a character, only to have him killed -- though in fairness, you do warn us upfront!

    However, I've seen POV shifts of this fashion done well and am sure you could make yours one of those examples if it's important to start with the about-to-die character. You might want to check out Marshall Karp's The Rabbit Factory, which has a number of POV shifts and starts with a character who is killed within the first chapter. (I think Karp made no shifts within chapters, which helped me stay on track.)

    Like the other readers, I was intrigued by your story. Good luck with it!

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  8. Ditto on the POV comments. Very distracting.

    Storyline issues: If this guy is a star wrestler close to being All-American, why on earth would he take pills that were left on his door?

    Why would a spotter not be able to remove the bar? Thought that is what spotting was. Why wouldn't the spotter tell Nick what was going on? He wasn't to blame was he?

    That being said, there are some really intriguing elements to your story. You have very good descriptions--very vivid. I'm interested in Nick. I like that he's following up on the case.

    Good job! Thanks for sharing. That takes guts!!!

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  9. Your writing is vivid. I was in the workout room watching this tragic death.

    That said, everything happened too fast. From the dorm, to the workout room, to death, to the funeral, and then the POV shift in 1,000 words is rushed.

    Each chapter should be one scene. Lifting weights leading to death could be an entire chapter, for instance.

    Like others, I felt the story started with Nick. So much of Andy's life is ideal for backstory that can be sprinkled throughout the novel.

    Sometimes, it's better to leave the package wrapped. Like any gift, guessing and trying to figure out what's inside is half the fun. Let us linger in suspense before sharing all the details.

    Keep writing. This is the start of a story that will appeal to young men. We need more books for them.

    Best of luck!

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  10. I wasn't really buying the first maybe 250 words of this story. I concur with a previous commenter: if he's a star wrestler, why the hell would he believe something attached to his door? Contrary to popular belief, 22-year-olds may not be stupid.

    However, once we got to the gym, I really got into the story. I particularly liked the One-Two-Three etc. section. Crisp details, good characterization, and very solid creepy factor. Maybe just take out the bit with the doorknob, and weave it in so we learn once we get into Nick's POV that it came from the herbal stimulant.

    I didn't have a problem with the POV shift--I read the whole thing as third person omniscient. However, once it became clear that Nick would be the protagonist and we got lodged in his perspective, I was a little confused. I might suggest a

    #

    between the "student ID card from Andy's shorts..." and "The funeral drew scores..." to help clear things up.

    Otherwise, it was nice. Creepy. But nice.

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  11. I also read all 1000 words and found it interesting. I was a bit distracted by some of the description - his "meaty hands", for example. I agree with Zara that your character wouldn't be thinking about himself in those terms.

    I am an RN, as well as a writer, and a loaded barbell wouldn't bisect a person (unless it had razor blades or fell from a great height) Nor would it cause the body to sit up - if the spinal cord was crushed by the weight there wouldn't be any movement at all.

    These and the POV problems can all be fixed. I also agree with Zara that the last line should be your opening. Keep going!

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  12. The PoV stuff didn't bother me when I read through it the first time-- but I wasn't really in love with the opening line at all, it felt pretty cliche to me too. And the way he died didn't seem all that mysterious to me. It didn't really make me feel like I wanted to learn more.

    I agree with the others about Andy's voice, too. But I DID love the part where he's counting his reps, envisioning his night with his girlfriend--I just don't know if that whole beginning should stay. This story really seems like it should begin with Nick, and after Andy's death.

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  13. Author here. Sorry for checking in so late. Thank you SO much for the feedback. This is the first chapter (technically the prologue--aack!) of my first novel, so obviously I had a lot to learn (working on my third now). Like the idea of a break to shift POV. Yes, the real story starts when Nick discovers the coupon, but that in itself isn't very exciting, so I wanted to lead into it with a particularly nasty crime--young kid dying because he was "preyed on." The how and why come in later. There are several other deaths throughout the book that occur like this, but they're isolated scenes from a single POV. It's meant to be a Carl Hiassen-type comic suspense, so occasionally strange/wacky things happen, but I want them to be at least marginally believable. Thanks for the reality checks. Can't believe this book was actually represented at one point. In the days before this blo and all its great forums, obviously.

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