TITLE: So long
GENRE: Contemporary YA
“Krista? Krista? Where the hell are you? Answer me!” I screamed out as I stormed through the Thompson’s front door.
“In the living room, Carys"
Miss Snark's First Victim
Miss Snark's First Victim
Not hooked. This is kind of generic.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. The first sentence seemed urgent, but the answering response was quite calm.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. Not much going on.
ReplyDeleteJust say Krista's name once. I'd edit the tag a bit. Definitely take out "out" -- "I screamed as I stormed...." The response, after all the uproar, does seem to be a let down. Does the mc tend to overreact to things? I'd keep reading just to answer this question, but if she suddenly calmed down and acted all normal, I'd think this opening line was a bit gimmicky. Just my opinion -- and good luck!
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
ReplyDeleteI never start with dialogue because it's just confusing. Start with slamming through the door and you've got me hooked--but don't worry about the dialogue until you've gotten at least 50 or so words into the story.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. I agree with removing/editing some of the tags. I think right now you're trying to do with dialogue what you should be doing with description. Show us how this person is feeling and why they're there.
ReplyDeleteThis doesn't do a whole lot for me. Not really hooked.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked -- dialogue openings are hard for me to tune to.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. I don't mind dialogue openings, but it's really hard to start with impassioned dialogue.
ReplyDeleteI don't mind dialogue openings, as long as the characters are saying something fascinating, like:
ReplyDelete"To be born again," sang Gibreel Farishta tumbling from the heavens, "first you have to die..." (The Satanic Verses, Salman Rushdie)
Like Jodi said, this one reads a little generic to me. Someone doesn't know where she is, and she's in the living room.
But if she were in the seventh circle of HELL sitting on Satan's lap, I might feel differently, you know?
Not hooked. The speaker's angry about something, but I'm not sure I care why just yet, especially with the calm response.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I don't know if you need the 'screamed out' -- it's pretty obvious that she's pissed off from the dialogue itself. (I'm a huge nitpicker when it comes to dialogue tags...)
Give me something about why she's storming through the Thompson's front door, what Krista's done to her, and I'd be more interested.
Not hooked. I don't think it's that you started with dialogue. I think it's because it's too ordinary. This scene could happen anywhere at anytime. There's nothing fifferent or intriguing about it.
ReplyDeleteor different
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. Sorry. I'd suggest dropping the "screamed out" and show her anger with more stomping (the storming's good...).
ReplyDeleteI like books that start out with dialgoue. I'm not keen on the I screamed sentence though.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked - there's no sense of what's happening.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. There's nothing new or urgent here, and I feel like I've seen this kind of opening too often before.
ReplyDeleteThis is just kind of "meh" for me. Not really hooked.
ReplyDeleteFeels like it could be a good snappy opening scene but the wording sounds awkward to me and I might have preferred a few scene-setting lines first.
ReplyDelete