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Thursday, March 25, 2010

58 Fantasy

TITLE: Hero Down Under
GENRE: Fantasy


Death stalked the floor. A cold-a** chill and the patterned flicker of overhead fluorescents marked his approach, always did. Roger peered out his cubicle door.
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21 comments:

  1. Jodi MeadowsMarch 25, 2010 at 10:30 AM

    Mmm, kind of.

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  2. MomwomanMarch 25, 2010 at 10:37 AM

    Just nothing here for me.

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  3. fairchildMarch 25, 2010 at 11:12 AM

    Death personified...again? Not so much for me.

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  4. AnonymousMarch 25, 2010 at 11:17 AM

    Ha! Love the humor and voice. Good title:)

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  5. TamiMarch 25, 2010 at 11:20 AM

    Partially hooked. I'd read on to see if it grabbed me. The implication that the MC is familiar with Death's approach is the hook for me in this one. Do cubicles have doors?

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  6. Meghan S.March 25, 2010 at 11:24 AM

    maybe change cubicle to office? Either way not really hooked

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  7. Joshua McCuneMarch 25, 2010 at 11:33 AM

    I like the cubicle part, but the rest was a bit ho-hum for me.

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  8. Amy JoMarch 25, 2010 at 12:05 PM

    I'd be willing to read more.

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  9. Sandra Ulbrich AlmazanMarch 25, 2010 at 12:09 PM

    I'd read on a little more.

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  10. Ash. ElizabethMarch 25, 2010 at 2:26 PM

    lots of Death stories these days. Regardless, I'd keep reading this.

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  11. PortiaMarch 25, 2010 at 2:58 PM

    This has a strong author voice, and I like the juxtaposition. Death stalking is a wee bit cliche, but I'd read a little more to see if the originality continues.

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  12. AnassaMarch 25, 2010 at 3:13 PM

    Heh, I'm nearly there. I'd read a couple pages more before deciding, because the idea of Death being someone's boss in an office intrigues me.

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  13. AnonymousMarch 25, 2010 at 4:39 PM

    I think I'd read more.

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  14. BarbaraMarch 25, 2010 at 5:01 PM

    I'd read more. But perhaps cut the first sentence and change 'his' in the second sentence to 'Death's.' Because you have Death stalking the floor. He might stalk across the floor, but he wouldn't be stalking it, since the floor isn't going anywhere.

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  15. melody colleenMarch 25, 2010 at 5:01 PM

    I'm not quite sure if this is supposed to be funny or scary. Probably wouldn't keep reading.

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  16. Sharon K. MayhewMarch 25, 2010 at 6:07 PM

    I'd switch the last sentence to the first and delete the first sentence.

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  17. SojournerMarch 25, 2010 at 6:25 PM

    Sorry, I don't get it. How can death stalk a floor? A floor is dead. People on the floor, the workers on a certain floor of a building, yes. "Always did" would be a stronger standing-alone sentence.

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  18. AnonymousMarch 25, 2010 at 7:15 PM

    Sojourner,
    Stalk= intransitive verb. to walk in a stiff, haughty, or grim manner; to advance or spread grimly.

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  19. MercMarch 26, 2010 at 9:41 PM

    Not hooked, sorry.

    (I may be put off by all the openings with Death now. Poor dude is getting a workout. :P)

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  20. SelestialMarch 27, 2010 at 9:51 PM

    I like this. I'm not totally hooked, more like semi-hooked. I'd give it at least a page

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  21. RobbinMarch 28, 2010 at 12:25 PM

    I wouldn't read on

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