World building in scifi is hard to do. You might consider opening with a scene that jumpstarts the story but is not so dependent on future tech etc. that you can introduce the new concepts in gradually thereafter. Or a line that grounds readers more in why he was on stage or what he was doing instead.
Thanks to everyone for your comments. I didn't think it was working either, but I wasn't sure what to do with it. May I post a revision? I combined part of the first line with a few lines farther down:
As soon as Paul Harrison exited the stage, a crew member grabbed him. "Harrison, your sister's at the side door. She says there's an emergency."
Thoughts on using his surname twice? I think I need to do so for clarity, but it seems repetitive.
Not quite hooked, sorry. Itching seems pretty mundane to me.
I'm definitely hooked by the revision, and think you could probably get away with using "Harrison" once, in the dialogue. It's pretty obvious that the words are directed at Paul, because the crew member's grabbed him.
I was iffy about both samples. In the first, I liked the holoprojector bands. I thought they helped set this in time and place. But then he ripped them off because they were itching. Itching wasn't strong enough for me. It didn't create any sense of foreboding or worry.
In the second example, 'emergency' isn't all that gripping because what constitutes an emergency for one person, isn't necessarily an emergency for another. Perhaps if she barges in and states what the emergency is?
I was always taught to start with the moment/incident that makes this day different fromm all others. Don't know if that will help you, but it generally works for me.
Well, I liked the detail of itching holoprojector bands. It settles me in the time and place and tells me something about the protag. I'd keep reading.
Your original first 25 words weren't necessarily super 'grabby', but I don't happen to think that every book needs to start out with a bang. 'Medias in res' is usually enough for me. I was astonished to see how short 25 words really are. I did want to read more.
I liked your revised first 25 more, but for a possibly weird reason. The presence of a second psyche in the as-yet-small narrative space added some interesting tension, heightened by use the word 'emergency'. Re. double-use of name: Does your Paul-guy have a nickname? Might the crew member have used it? Or something generic like, "Hey man"..
Not really hooked. Itching just isn't that grabby to me. I hate itching. *scratches now itchy neck*
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. Says more about the future-tech than the MC or the situation.
ReplyDeleteI'm w/ the others. Need a bit more.
ReplyDeleteWorld building in scifi is hard to do. You might consider opening with a scene that jumpstarts the story but is not so dependent on future tech etc. that you can introduce the new concepts in gradually thereafter. Or a line that grounds readers more in why he was on stage or what he was doing instead.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
ReplyDeletesurprised at how many of these entries have a question included. i think it diminishes the effect. not hooked.
ReplyDeleteThanks to everyone for your comments. I didn't think it was working either, but I wasn't sure what to do with it. May I post a revision? I combined part of the first line with a few lines farther down:
ReplyDeleteAs soon as Paul Harrison exited the stage, a crew member grabbed him. "Harrison, your sister's at the side door. She says there's an emergency."
Thoughts on using his surname twice? I think I need to do so for clarity, but it seems repetitive.
Oh, have you thought about starting with the dialogue?
ReplyDelete"Harrison, your sister's at the side door. She says there's an emergency." Then lead into "Harrison left the stage ..."
What do others think?
Hooked.
ReplyDeleteNot quite hooked, sorry. Itching seems pretty mundane to me.
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely hooked by the revision, and think you could probably get away with using "Harrison" once, in the dialogue. It's pretty obvious that the words are directed at Paul, because the crew member's grabbed him.
Maybe. "Ripped" indicates frustration to me but the itching doesn't take it to the next level.
ReplyDeleteI got too sidetracked by the name. First think that popped into my head was Paul McCartney and George Harrison, and I was too distracted.
ReplyDeleteSorry.
I was iffy about both samples. In the first, I liked the holoprojector bands. I thought they helped set this in time and place. But then he ripped them off because they were itching. Itching wasn't strong enough for me. It didn't create any sense of foreboding or worry.
ReplyDeleteIn the second example, 'emergency' isn't all that gripping because what constitutes an emergency for one person, isn't necessarily an emergency for another. Perhaps if she barges in and states what the emergency is?
I was always taught to start with the moment/incident that makes this day different fromm all others. Don't know if that will help you, but it generally works for me.
Well, I liked the detail of itching holoprojector bands. It settles me in the time and place and tells me something about the protag. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteHuh. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued by the stage, but there really isn't enough here to hook me. I might read a little bit more.
ReplyDeleteYour original first 25 words weren't necessarily super 'grabby', but I don't happen to think that every book needs to start out with a bang. 'Medias in res' is usually enough for me. I was astonished to see how short 25 words really are. I did want to read more.
ReplyDeleteI liked your revised first 25 more, but for a possibly weird reason. The presence of a second psyche in the as-yet-small narrative space added some interesting tension, heightened by use the word 'emergency'. Re. double-use of name: Does your Paul-guy have a nickname? Might the crew member have used it? Or something generic like, "Hey man"..