Is this Madison, Wisconsin? I love that city, so that interests me. But I don't think you need both "soul-less" and "emptied of vivacity"; they seem to say the same thing. I don't see why this particular corpse would be so interesting to everyone in Madison. Maybe that's coming in the next sentence, but this isn't enough to hook me.
Hooked, but needs a little changing. I'd cut "empty of vivacity" since "soul-less" seems to say the same thing. Then you don't have the similar-looking "vivacity" and "discovery" so close together, too.
I might be getting stuck on word choice vs genre here. "Soul-less" suggests supernatural to me, but suspense suggests that it'd be set in a world close to our reality. If there's a supernatural element to the story, then I'd say keep "soul-less," but if it just means she's dead, say she's dead.
Hooked! Although you might cut 'emptied of vivacity.' And as others have said, soulless works if there's a supernatural bent to this, but if she's just dead, say dead.
Not hooked. I had the picture of an empty shell of a girl walking around and then wondered if you simply meant that she was dead. Don't be more complicated than necessary.
IF she's still alive, but soulless, I like this a lot. Dead and soulless are not the same thing. But if she's dead, then this is false suspense, which would irritate me when I discovered it. I don't mind emptied of vivacity - it reinforces soulless IF she's not dead. I'd read on.
hooked to see what else is going on. But the sentence is a bit clunky. I might change it to two seperate sentences
ReplyDeleteHuh? I think you've got something going on here that's really weird, or you would have just said "dead". So I'd read on for a bit.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea more than the writing.
ReplyDeleteDiscovery of a dead teenage girl rocks the town...don't think I'd read further.
ReplyDeleteNot provocative enough for me.
ReplyDeleteditto Jodi. And I don't think you need "soul-less." Dead is dead.
ReplyDeleteIs this Madison, Wisconsin? I love that city, so that interests me. But I don't think you need both "soul-less" and "emptied of vivacity"; they seem to say the same thing. I don't see why this particular corpse would be so interesting to everyone in Madison. Maybe that's coming in the next sentence, but this isn't enough to hook me.
ReplyDeleteHooked, but needs a little changing. I'd cut "empty of vivacity" since "soul-less" seems to say the same thing. Then you don't have the similar-looking "vivacity" and "discovery" so close together, too.
ReplyDeleteI'm almost hooked. I think with some tweaking of word choice, you'd get more of a consensus. Reconsider "soul-less" and "emptied of vivacity."
ReplyDeleteHooked enough for the first chapter. :)
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
ReplyDeleteI might be getting stuck on word choice vs genre here. "Soul-less" suggests supernatural to me, but suspense suggests that it'd be set in a world close to our reality. If there's a supernatural element to the story, then I'd say keep "soul-less," but if it just means she's dead, say she's dead.
Maybe...but I agree with some of the others. Don't need the soulless (no hyphen, btw). Dead's dead.
ReplyDeleteHooked! Although you might cut 'emptied of vivacity.' And as others have said, soulless works if there's a supernatural bent to this, but if she's just dead, say dead.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. I had the picture of an empty shell of a girl walking around and then wondered if you simply meant that she was dead. Don't be more complicated than necessary.
ReplyDeleteThis almost hooked me -- the first sentence was a bit awkward.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. Rewritten, the idea/content might hook me, but the writing didn't work for me here.
ReplyDeleteIF she's still alive, but soulless, I like this a lot. Dead and soulless are not the same thing. But if she's dead, then this is false suspense, which would irritate me when I discovered it. I don't mind emptied of vivacity - it reinforces soulless IF she's not dead. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteThis doesn't hook me, it feels too standard.
ReplyDelete