40-lb dumbells and camping? There's a hook. Not sure about the first sentence--and it's hard to tell where you're going with it. If there's a sense of urgency to leave, maybe focus on that aspect first, and then explain why it's all over later...
Hooked. I want to find out what she's doing and why, and whether those dumbbells are 40 pounds each or the total for the pair. She's got to be a pretty strong woman to be using 40 lbs in each hand, which begs more questions.
I would continue reading. Dumbells hooked and intrigued me. It's quirky and good contrast to the mundane stuff that comes before it. Also, 'knowing it was all over' makes me feel like the character is ready for a new adventure. I want to know what that adventure is.
I was just about to say "no", when we got to the dumbbells. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI, too, like the dumbbells.
ReplyDeleteBut I don't know that it's really going to hook me. I'd give it a bit more to make sure.
I like it, but I'd drop the word "all" and just say it's over.
ReplyDeleteI'd read a few more sentences. I wondered what dumbells had to do with the situation.
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued, I would read on
ReplyDelete40-lb dumbells and camping? There's a hook. Not sure about the first sentence--and it's hard to tell where you're going with it. If there's a sense of urgency to leave, maybe focus on that aspect first, and then explain why it's all over later...
ReplyDeleteSame here, not that hooked until I got to the dumbbells. That caught my attention. Interesting.
ReplyDeletedumbbells hooked me as well.
ReplyDeleteHooked. I want to find out what she's doing and why, and whether those dumbbells are 40 pounds each or the total for the pair. She's got to be a pretty strong woman to be using 40 lbs in each hand, which begs more questions.
ReplyDeleteWord miser here. You can tighten this for maximum bang, in my opinion. Obviously people seem to like the dumbbells - so get there faster!
ReplyDeleteI'd continue with the hopes that the manuscript was polished and full of active writing. IMO "knew" and "had risen" slow it down.
I would continue reading. Dumbells hooked and intrigued me. It's quirky and good contrast to the mundane stuff that comes before it. Also, 'knowing it was all over' makes me feel like the character is ready for a new adventure. I want to know what that adventure is.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked enough to read on a bit. I want to know what she needed the dumbbells for!
ReplyDeleteYep, the dumbells got me too. You might take the last sentence out of past perfect - She rose before the sun . . .
ReplyDeleteLike several others above me the dumbells hooked me in, at least for a couple more paragraphs the see where it was going.
ReplyDeleteNot quite, but I'd read on because of the dumbbells.
ReplyDeleteNot my genre, but I have to say I'd read a little bit more because of the simple fact that she packed dumbbells
ReplyDelete