TITLE: THE WOMAN WHO COULD SEE THROUGH THE TREES
GENRE: Women's fiction
Three hundred years ago she would have been tried and hung like her great great granny Elvira, the notorious witch of Salem.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Miss Snark's First Victim
Just did a double check to make sure. There wasn't anyone named Elvira hanged in the Salem Witch Trials. Historical disconnect would make me stop reading on this one.
ReplyDeleteI like the mysterious reference to the granny Salem witch, so I think this is a great hook.
ReplyDeleteNot so sure about the title...it sounds like a definition of sorts. :)
Maybe hooked. The granny not being a real person doesn't bother me.
ReplyDeleteI'm always drawn to Salem witch books, but both the word granny and the name Elvira gave me pause.
ReplyDeleteLOL, great granny Elvira was a little laughable, and I'm not sure about the title, but I'd want to read a little more.
ReplyDeleteThe genre might give me more pause though, since the first sentence makes me think it's paranormal.
Provocative opening, yes. But I think your title is stronger than your first lines.
ReplyDeletePartial hook -- want to know more about why she'd have been hung, but the 'great granny Elvira' makes her seem like an 8-year-old, IMO.
ReplyDeleteShe's a witch....and? Sorry, not hooked.
ReplyDeleteI immediately checked the genre again. Sounds more paranormal. I'd probably read a few more sentences though to see if it pulled me in or not.
ReplyDeletethe granny's name being elvira totally took me out of the story. not hooked.
ReplyDeleteI guess I'm a word miser because I find this really cumbersome. I had to read it slowly and aloud to figure out "she would have been tried".
ReplyDeleteHow about showing the reader what happened -- instead of what didn't happen.
Hope that helps a bit.
I also agree that a book about a witch seems paranormal, not women's fiction.
I'm hooked, but I agree about the name Elvira. It gave me pause.
ReplyDeleteI like this a lot. I'm curious about this person- why she would have been hung. Elvira doesn't sound like a notorious witch of Salem, though.
ReplyDeleteI like the title. Like what the first sentence said, but it needs some punctuation to read smoother. A comma after ago. A hyphens after the first and second great.
ReplyDeleteI'm with BoA - love the premise, love the witch trials, but "great granny Elvira" yanks me out. Change that, though, and I'd keep reading!
ReplyDeleteMore or less hooked. I'd keep going for a while.
ReplyDeleteWould keep reading, but wonder if this sentence would be stronger without the last 5 words.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, but not because it's a bad sentence. It's the very last word that's making me balk.
ReplyDeleteIf you're referring back to the Salem Witch Trials, there wasn't really one single "notorious" witch above the other men and women who were accused and hanged (hell, there really weren't any witches at all...). That kind of makes the reader go, "Wait, what? I don't remember that..."
Now, if you're going for either an alternate history or the narrator is referring to some other Salem than Salem, Massachusetts, I might be hooked, but you're going to have to let me know quickfast that you don't mean that Salem.
If all that matters is that her great-granny was a notorious witch and got hanged for it, I'd suggest picking another city name altogether. Then? I'd be hooked.
I see people are balking at Elvira. I don't know enough history to know if that was a name typical of early Salem or not. I don't think it's an issue if she wasn't one of the ones hung. It is fiction. Having a typical period name though helps. And Elvira does elicit the campy image of the woman who does, well, whatever she does, on TV. It did give me momentary pause. Otherwise, I liked it.
ReplyDeleteThe name Elvira really threw me, probably because the mental image it evoked was...not very witchy. Or rather, too sterotpyical haha witchy for old Salem. Almost like the name tries too hard.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
Hooked.
ReplyDeleteI could be wrong, but I think it's "hanged" rather than "hung", and that bothers me. Change that and I could read on, no matter what her name is.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. Title is confusing. Ordinary scene.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. If you're going to refer to an actual moment in time, you have to be accurate.
ReplyDeleteThree hundred years ago would be 1710 or later, depending on when this got published. The Salem witch trials were 1692-93. Her great great granny would most likely have been born in the 1800's, and might even have been born in the early 1900's (unless this isn't set in modern times)
It might be fiction, but you still have to be accurate about certain things.
Good opening. Definitely leaves the reader wondering.
ReplyDeleteTo me, this read more like YA, not women's fiction. Not hooked.
ReplyDeleteAnd the name Elvira just makes me think of nipple pasties, not the Salem witch trials. Blah.
I kinda like it--I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI might give this a chance, but bringing up Salem will only guarantee you a paragraph or two from me.
ReplyDeleteElvira didn't bother me as much as the wrong form of hang did here.
ReplyDeletePictures are hung, people are hanged.
Somewhat hooked. I love books about the Salem witch trials but the name Elvira kind of killed it for me. I agree that it needs to have accurate details and immediately let us know more about the novel's setting and time period.
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