Yes, it's not clear how he knows what he knows or if this is an interpretation by someone else (priest etc, based on the genre) to romanticize his life. Not sure I'd keep going.
Read the start of the story. The whole waking up thing is just not strong. He wakes up. There is a valet. There is a plant. Shower or breakfast. Why should I care? I don't like this guy yet. Who is he? Also - you know that if you put this out on line, no one will ever buy it, becasue it's considered previously published. Right?
Well, I thought he died, then he woke up to the best morning he ever had. That hooked me.
Then I read your explanation, and if I understand it correctly, he hasn't died yet, but on the morning of the day he will die, he wakes, thinking it's the best morning he ever had.
If that's the case, I'm not hooked, because my response is - so. I already know he's going to die. Why do I need to read more?
That may not be how your story goes, but that's what you lead me to believe, and that's all I have to go on.
Today was the day...he died?
ReplyDeleteI'm a little confused if he knows he's going to die today, or he's already dead when he wakes up. Or what.
Also, waking up is usually advised against. Too many stories start that way.
Yes, it's not clear how he knows what he knows or if this is an interpretation by someone else (priest etc, based on the genre) to romanticize his life. Not sure I'd keep going.
ReplyDeletehooked, hooked hooked.
ReplyDeleteI loved this
From the writer: He doesn't know he's going to die today. But thanks for pointing out that it isn't clear.
ReplyDeleteAlso confused on whether his death has already happened or is yet to come.
ReplyDeleteBut I'd read some more.
The curious can read the whole short story here.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to guess - you get to be king for a day, and then they kill you.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
Read the start of the story. The whole waking up thing is just not strong. He wakes up. There is a valet. There is a plant. Shower or breakfast. Why should I care? I don't like this guy yet. Who is he?
ReplyDeleteAlso - you know that if you put this out on line, no one will ever buy it, becasue it's considered previously published. Right?
The tense change is confusing. Not hooked.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
ReplyDeleteFor me, this is close. I agree that it's problematic to start with the character waking. But it's got a lovely amount of tension.
ReplyDeleteWOW! HOOKED!
ReplyDeleteI love the first sentence!
The second sentence sorta confused me...but what the hell! The first one had TEETH! ㋡
Well, I thought he died, then he woke up to the best morning he ever had. That hooked me.
ReplyDeleteThen I read your explanation, and if I understand it correctly, he hasn't died yet, but on the morning of the day he will die, he wakes, thinking it's the best morning he ever had.
If that's the case, I'm not hooked, because my response is - so. I already know he's going to die. Why do I need to read more?
That may not be how your story goes, but that's what you lead me to believe, and that's all I have to go on.
hooked. what a great opening. new idea. gets me wondering...
ReplyDeleteNot quite. It's a touch confusing, and if it's a waking up intro, I'm usually not hooked.
ReplyDeleteNot really hooked by this. Knowing that he's going to die grabbed me a bit, but then the rest didn't hold on.
ReplyDelete