TITLE: Remembrance
GENRE: Commercial Paranormal
Arianwen walked through the dense woods as if in a meditative trance. Stay focused, be alert. Isn’t that what Sulien always said.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Miss Snark's First Victim
Not really hooked. Too disconnected from Arianwen to really hold me.
ReplyDeleteI would reverse the lines into something like this:
ReplyDeleteStay focused, be alert. Isn’t that what Sulien always said? Arianwen thought as she walked through the dense woods.
You prob can show her trancelike state instead of explicitly stating it. And do a better job of grounding us in place.
When I can't pronounce or dislike The MC's name, it can be hard for me to continue... it's a bit stupid on my part, probably, but it is what it is.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
ReplyDeleteThe trance and "focused" seem to be opposing each other. Sorry, not hooked.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. Character walking through woods in a "focused, alert" trance?
ReplyDeleteClose...SO CLOSE!! But not yet hooked.
ReplyDeleteI'd suggest starting with "Stay focused, be alert" n' see how it flows from there! ㋡
Not quite hooked yet. I agree telling she's in a trance is less effective. I'd work on strengthening the conflict in these first few sentences, and then I think you'll be there.
ReplyDeleteNo. I love fantasy, but I've seen probably 20 versions of the name Arianwen. Also, did you forget a question mark?
ReplyDeletethe name threw me off, making the rest a lost cause to me.
ReplyDeleteI am with BoA all the way. Names threw me here, particularly because the genre isn't fantasy, where I might be expecting them. Unfortunately not hooked.
ReplyDeleteDitto what Bluestocking said. Not hooked.
ReplyDeleteI like the names you used. It shows you put some thought into it and didn't just choose something generic and forgettable from the Big Book of Baby Names. I agree with Portia about strengthening the conflict in these first few sentences and giving us a better feel for Arianwen. I'd like to see this again after you've tweaked it a bit.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. Names felt cliche, and "as if" in a trance got me wondering, but not really knowing what was going on--more of a confusing not knowing rather than a suspenseful one. I have no idea why she needs to be alert. rather than have her remember someone who told her to be alert, have it be evidence that the reader can understand first, then maybe reference past teachers.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, sorry.
ReplyDeleteNot really hooked by this. I can't put my finger on why.
ReplyDelete