Pages

▼

Thursday, March 25, 2010

92 UF

TITLE: Father Value
GENRE: Urban Fantasy


Ellie'd learned many useful lessons growing up under Father Value's tutelage. The one she used most often was this: never get cornered by a Creep.
at

14 comments:

  1. TamiMarch 25, 2010 at 4:05 PM

    Partial hook. I'd keep reading to find out where it went and what a Creep with a capital C was, but I don't get much sense of Ellie's character or voice from this.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Joshua McCuneMarch 25, 2010 at 4:06 PM

    Not hooked - name seems a bit too forced for me.

    ReplyDelete
  3. samsevernMarch 25, 2010 at 4:14 PM

    Ooooooooh.....SO CLOSE!
    I'm not hooked by this opening. But I have a feeling this is leading somewhere I'd like. ㋡

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousMarch 25, 2010 at 4:33 PM

    Almost hooked...not quite.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Robin LemkeMarch 25, 2010 at 5:30 PM

    I'm interested - but it's a little bit awkward.

    ReplyDelete
  6. UnknownMarch 25, 2010 at 5:55 PM

    I stumbled over the "one lesson from..." part. Situation appealed a bit but I'd condense the sentences to something like:

    Mc had learned one thing in her ?? life -- never get cornered by a Creep. ... or something similar. I

    ReplyDelete
  7. The Daring NovelistMarch 25, 2010 at 11:24 PM

    Hooked.

    I did not find this awkward. I liked the voice, and I really liked the punch at the end.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Jodi MeadowsMarch 26, 2010 at 6:50 AM

    Pretty hooked. Not fond of the title.

    ReplyDelete
  9. MichaelMarch 26, 2010 at 1:47 PM

    I'd read on. I like the description of the most often used lesson. The only think I'd change is the first work. I don't like the contraction. Maybe: Elle had learned.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Rebecca T.March 26, 2010 at 2:27 PM

    I got caught up on the first word. Maybe make it Ellie had rather than Ellie'd.

    ReplyDelete
  11. CindyLou FosterMarch 26, 2010 at 8:58 PM

    I agree about the title, and I wasn't liking it until, "never get cornered by a Creep." I'd keep reading. :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. MercMarch 26, 2010 at 9:13 PM

    Not hooked yet, sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  13. falconesseMarch 26, 2010 at 10:17 PM

    Thankee, all!

    The funny thing is, when I started writing it, Father Value was supposed to be the main character, but Ellie seems to have taken over. That's pretty much just the placeholder title in my docs folder, since I'm terrible at titles.

    I hear you all on the "Ellie'd" -- it's "Ellie had" in the original, but I was trying to shave off a word to make 25. Thinking about it, it might have worked better if I'd dropped the "this" in the second sentence instead.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Cheryl SMarch 28, 2010 at 2:51 AM

    I really liked the final hook.


    The first sentence might be stronger if it was tighter.

    You could get rid of tutelage since it's implied by learned.

    ReplyDelete