TITLE: Not A Hero
GENRE: YA Fantasy
There once was a wizard named Benevic who was so powerful that he held back the forces of evil single-handedly. Therefore, he had to die.
That’s not the only reason. He was also good. Very good. Helping old ladies cross the street while rescuing puppies and protecting orphans from certain
Miss Snark's First Victim
Semi hooked. The opening sentence sounds like the beginning of a limerick.
ReplyDeleteI think this is really funny, in a good way (I hope that was what you were going for). Although, as I re-read it, I am wondering if this is REALLY a YA book beginning. I would want to read more to see where you are going with it.
ReplyDeleteI want to give this a chance, but I'm not feeling it. The fact it ends in mid sentence REALLY turns me off, and I feel like it's going to be a back story dump right from the start.
ReplyDeleteThe first two sentences are pretty good, but you loose me after that with back story.
I'd probably keep reading, but I would be looking for something to happen soon.
I'm smiling. So, yes, I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteSemi-hooked, too. I'd give it another page or two. I think it'll either be very funny, or very not. And I want to find out. :)
ReplyDeleteIt does sound a little young for YA
I'm kind of hooked, but would keep reading. Sounding interesting.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. There once was a wizard. .. felt cliche.
ReplyDeleteI did like the part where you say, "Therefore, he had to die." That interested me. But other than that, not so much.
:-)
I thought the beginning started like a limerick, too! When the second part didn't rhyme, I had to go back and start again.
ReplyDeleteSemi-hooked. It did feel a bit more MG than YA...maybe because it did have the same cadence as a nursery rhyme. But your second paragraph had touches of humor so I would still read further to see where it's going.
ReplyDeleteThe humor is enough for me to read a bit more, but this feels more like MG than YA. I think the writing could be a little tighter/stronger. Lots of 'wases' for just 50 words.
ReplyDelete(And just so you know for next time, it's okay to go a couple of words past the limit to finish the sentence. Mine had 52 and it went through fine.)
I really like this! Especially the second line. It is clean and interesting with a kind of funny tone! I would read more.
ReplyDeleteAlmost hooked. I liked the first sentence.... not the second....
ReplyDeleteThis feels like to me it's talking down to the reader or not YA, maybe more MG. This feels like a story I'd read to my 9 year old.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked, at least for a few more pages. It sounds like it's shaping up to be a comedy.
ReplyDeleteI'm semi-hooked. I like the funny tone, but not fond of the limerick opening. Seems a bit uneven for me when it comes to appropriate for the age group. But if that's the sarcastic font that just got lost in the e-mail - I'm good.
ReplyDeleteI thought this was very tongue-in-cheek. I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI would read a bit further to find out who was going to do the killing but it stops too soon for me to tell if I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI liked the humor in this, but like many others said, I'd want something to happen soon.
ReplyDeleteThere's enough humour here I would keep reading. The voice and pacing are also really good for this kind of piece.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. I can see where it's trying to be funny -- and sometimes succeeding -- but the writing is a little clunky, in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteAnd though it had nothing to do with hooking me or not: yeah, the limerick.
The humor made the first line work for me. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteFor YA, I am not hooked. The first sentences work okay for me--in a humorous, but ironic way. But the rest feels a little childish. But if this were MG, I think it's a great beginning.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence made me think you were going to be writing a limmerick. I think the humor is good, but I don't think it sounds YA. I hope the wizard is a kid...
ReplyDelete