TITLE: The Corporation
GENRE: Young Adult Science Fiction
“I hope your studying went well,” Darla said, standing beside the kitchen table in full pixilated form. She looked exactly like a real middle-aged woman – long, flowing black hair, delicate facial features, piercing green eyes – except she wasn’t projected at full intensity.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Very interesting. I want to read more. I never expected to see an animated character.
ReplyDeleteLike the pixilated form. Would read on.
ReplyDeleteI like s/f, so I'd give this a chance. For me, though, the detailed description of the hologram woman slowed the story.
ReplyDeleteI would continue reading. Sounds interesting.
ReplyDeleteI would keep reading, though I would prefer a more specific term than "middle-aged."
ReplyDeleteOff to a good start.
What do you consider middle-aged? I think it's someone in their 50's, but the description brings to mind someone more 30ish (flowing black hair) Just a nitpick really, I'd keep going.
ReplyDeleteHad me with "pixilated." Would read more.
ReplyDeleteI too like the "pixelated form". The detailed description just after doesn't work for me. I like it when the physical descriptions of the characters are worked in gradually. There are probably a lot of things that are much more important about Darla than her exact physical appearance. I'd like to know about those first. I would continue reading, even so. :)
ReplyDeleteYeah, pixilated hooked me so I would definitely read more. But the way you described her didn't sound middle-aged to me. I'm assuming this takes place in the future or an alternate reality, so is middle-aged in that world the same as 40-ish in our world? I'm asking because I know by our standard of middle-aged, there are usually *some* signs of a little aging (i.e.: crows feet, laugh lines, etc.). But you captured the genre in the first sentence -- nice job!
ReplyDeleteAlthough I, too, liked "pixilated form" I was also a bit mystified by "middle-aged." And, I wasn't really hooked: Nothing really grabbed me and said "Read on!" I was unsure whether the "not at full intensity" was simply a statement, or was a clue that something more significant was going on.
ReplyDeleteOh, one more thing: I believe you want "pixelated"--it's an adjective describing something made of pixels.
ReplyDeleteI would keep reading. You've hinted enough at a different world that I want to find out more.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. Liked that the woman wasn't real, but nothing grabbed me beyond that. That doesn't give much of a hint as to what the story's about.
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked because the wording is chunky. It doesn't flow off the page. The concept of the image is great and quickly puts us in a Sci-fi universe, but the depiction of the image isn't vivid enough. Rather than "wasn't projected at full intensity" since I don't know what full intensity is, maybe something like "X could make out (something) through her weak (maybe even flickering) form because (why)" Show me, don't tell me.
ReplyDeleteAlso, your should be you're and if this isn't a real person, maybe a computer, I'd go for more formal speech and use you are.
Sort of hooked. I'd definitely give it a few pages. I, too, like the "pixelated form" - makes me want to know more.
ReplyDeleteI'd give it another paragraph, but not much more unless the writing gets cleaner quickly. Love the concept.
ReplyDeleteHad me at pixelated, lost me at long, flowing black hair. Descriptions of hair, eyes, etc. always bore me. But I'm intrigued - who is Darla?
ReplyDeleteI might read on. There's not much to keep me going in this excerpt, though--just seems a cliche sci-fi opening. I really want something a little more unique, even if it isn't so blatantly sci-fi from the get-go. Of course, I'm more of a post-apocalyptic sci-fi fan, myself, so this could just be not my cup of tea.
ReplyDeleteA little hooked. Though as a computer guy, I got caught up by "pixilated". I like the concept but (a) it's spelled "pixelated" and (b) it usually refers to an image that is unclear or where you can see the individual pixels. The only reason (b) caught me was because the next sentence said she looked "exactly" like a real woman.
ReplyDeleteWhile I think the beginning is interesting, I'm not hooked. Like the others, I like the pixelated form. But then the sentence gets clunky. Maybe just, "She looked like a live woman except she wasn't projected at full intensity.
ReplyDelete