TITLE: Purple Rain
GENRE: YA Paranormal
There’s a dead girl in the trunk and all I can think about, is how white the trees are. There are no street lamps all the way out here, but still they glow.
“Not much farther,” Jack says from the seat beside me.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Well, the dead girl in the trunk certainly caught my attention, as most dead people do. Now I need to know why this person is so interested in street lamps =).
ReplyDeletePulled me in right away! Excellent!
ReplyDeletePresent tense always annoys me, but I would give this a bit longer. Dead people in trunks are interesting regardless of the verb tense.
ReplyDeleteHooked.
ReplyDeleteHooked with the first sentence. Great job!
ReplyDeleteExcellent beginning, already I'm keen to know who the dead girl is, why she is there and who the narrator is. I guess dead people definitely book the reader in ;)
ReplyDeleteHooked. Not a big fan of present tense, but that's beside the point. You hooked me with the dead girl comment!
ReplyDeleteI'd read more.
"Dead girl in trunk" hooked me. I want to find out why a dead girl is in the trunk.
ReplyDeleteExcellent start. Tension was established in seven words. Hooked.
ReplyDeleteAdd me to the hooked list. Are the trees glowing? Is it moonlight or what? That's got me a wee bit confused, but I gotta know about the dead girl.
ReplyDeleteYes, dead bodies hook me too. But I have to admit the trees line pulled me out a bit and it makes me wonder what's so special about the trees that the MC is fixated on that rather than the corpse in her trunk.
ReplyDeleteLove this!
ReplyDeleteGreat hook. The opening line pulls you right in. The second line makes the setting eery. And the final line makes you want to read more.
ReplyDeleteGood Job!
Very hooked and love the title. I just re-read In Cold Blood, and being caught on something so trivial as the trees and lack of street lamps seems perfect. Almost like being in denial/shock over whatever happened to the dead girl.
ReplyDeleteI am hooked because of the dead girl in the trunk, but I'd get rid of the comma in the first line (slows the reader down). I'm also confused about how the street lamps glow if they're not there. Oh, you're talking about the trees. Then you need to make the "they" less ambiguous because where it is now seems like it's referring to the street lamps. Good start!
ReplyDeleteHooked. Very intrigued. Great start!
ReplyDeleteHooked, but I don't like the comma after about. It flows better without it. Also, are you aware Purple Rain is a movie and a song by Prince? And brings him instantly to mind? I'd change it, unless, of course, you want the readers to be thinking of Prince.
ReplyDeleteSooooo hooked. I loved it and want more.
ReplyDeleteThe dead girl is a great hook, especially the contrast between what the hero/ine is feeling; however, the image isn't vivid enough. Mystery is good and keeps the reader reading, but "all the way out here" is too vague. So is "from the seat besides me." It's a great idea/image. Play it up and you've got a great hook.
ReplyDeleteThe comma between "about" and "is" separates the subject and verb and creates a clunky sentence is addition to being grammatically incorrect.
Hooked. I want to know what's going on.
ReplyDeleteI'd cut 'about,'. The comma was bothering me, and I think that would take care of it.
Is Jack or the MC the driver? If you changed 'seat beside me' to 'passenger seat' or 'driver's seat' that would clarify it.
Very Good! It's one of the best here, in fact. The comma should go, otherwise I would leave the first sentence alone. You have us wanting to know what's happening, what it means and why are the trees glowing?
ReplyDeletePurple Rain is a movie, you might need a different title.
I want to be hooked - especially with that first line. I don't mind present tense.
ReplyDeleteTitle is too well known as both a movie and CD (Prince). "they glow" refers back to the street lamps when I know you meant for it to refer to the trees.
I like how the MC doesn't care about the girl but is fascinated by the trees, which shows that the MC has aliented him/herself from the situation. Now I want to know why. Great beginning!
ReplyDeleteVery hooky! However, I don't think the comma belongs in the first sentence, and I found the second sentence confusing because I thought the word "they" referred to the non-existent street lamps.
ReplyDeleteIf you smooth those little issues over, I think this would a wonderful opening.
The comma in the first sentence kinda threw me, but once I read it, ignoring the comma, I was very hooked. Will definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteDefinately Hooked.
ReplyDelete