TITLE: Twice a Rake
GENRE: Historical Romance
It is a truth universally acknowledged that fathers in possession of unwed daughters must be in search of suitors for them. Aurora Hyatt must acknowledge that she was still an unwed daughter, drawing near the rather long-in-the-tooth age of four-and-twenty, despite Father's efforts to both obtain and retain said suitor.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'd keep reading. I'm not sure I'm hooked just yet, but definitely enough to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteSentence 2 seems unsure of the POV. It refers to Aurora Hyatt in the 3rd person, then refers to the father as "Father" rather than "her father." I guess it could be a sibling MC, but then it's still odd for to refer to Aurora in 3rd person.
not hooked. Leave off the "for them" in the first sentence. Agree with Janet that Aurora Hyatt shouldn't be in third person. The "obtain and retain" line hints that Aurora has been engaged before, which has the potential for intrigue, but not enough for me to read on.
ReplyDeleteUh... there's a hint of your voice here, that I like...but re-using Jane Austen doesn't work for me. I suppose I'd give it another page or two. After all, I am leaving a comment. (I'm reading through them in my feed reader, and only clicking to comment on those that interest me.)
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of reusing and twisting Jane Austen's first sentence, but definitely not in a historical romance. Maybe science fiction, or modern YA fantasy, or something. But not historical. Also, Jane Austen's line has a funny sort of irony to it, this is simply an obvious statement.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the style you begin with seems very difficult to maintain, and unless you can keep up the more old-fashioned writing, don't try it. However, if you can, then go for it! :)
I'm not really hooked. Also I'm confused about the tense, and you use acknowledge twice in the first two sentences, which doesn't work, even if you're going for the parellel structuring.
That being said, I'm not sufficiently turned off of the book to shut it yet. So... if the next paragraphs are amazing, you won't have lost me. :D
This made me smile, but I think it needs polish.
ReplyDeleteThe great thing about Austen's line is that her "truth" isn't actually true; it's simply what women want to be true. Your truth, however, is true. You might want to play with this line and see if you can capture some of that same style of humor.
Not hooked. Like Bethany Elizabeth said, reusing Jane Austen's line in what is essentially Jane Austen's genre comes across as derivative rather than inventive.
ReplyDeleteIt seems a bit too wordy to hook me. But I probably have ADHD.
ReplyDeletenot hooked. Piggy-backing off Jane Austen is very risky, especially in a historical romance.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. Feels plagiarized and that's a definite turn off. (Unless this is a mash-up.)
ReplyDeleteSorry; not hooked.
ReplyDeleteIgnoring the Jane Austen homage for the moment, this doesn't work for me as a story opening because it constitutes "telling", not "showing", and there's not much in the way of tension or conflict implied. We can guess there's probably a story coming, but we don't know what it is or have any sense yet that it will be interesting.
Going back to the homage--when Jane Austen did it, it worked because what she said was really funny. However, because you're riffing on her joke, and doing so in a way that I've seen a lot of other people riff on it, it's less funny. And as I outlined in my previous paragraph, without the humour, there's not enough here to hook my interest.
There's too much telling here to truly hook me--I'd like to get in her head a lot more. And like some others have said--the Jane Austen thing, being in basically the same genre, comes across derivative, rather than humorous. I'd give it a few more lines, though.
ReplyDeleteI agree with what everybody else said. Using the Jane Austen line like this, and in this genre, doesn't work for me.
ReplyDelete