TITLE: DIAMONDS TO DIE FOR
GENRE: COZY MYSTERY
Lindy Wilson had come to the horrible conclusion she was likely going to hell. She wondered if there was such a thing as SPF one billion. Should one negative wipe away a lifetime, 28 years, of being a good person? That didn’t seem very fair.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Not hooked. Although the SPF one-billion was cute. 28 should be spelled out. I think it was "had come" and "was likely" in the opening sentence that threw me.
ReplyDeleteLindy Wilson was going to hell
would be a lot stronger.
I am hooked, but it would flow better if you trim some words. I am a little puzzled if you are going for tension or humor by adding the second sentence. Going or both at the start might be tricky.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure I am hooked yet. The second sentence was a little awkward, reword for a better effect.
ReplyDeleteNeed to tighten and get more voice in it. Something like... Lindy Wilson was headed for hell.At least that's what she thought after what she did. Seemed so unfair,though. How could one bad move wipe out all the good?
ReplyDeleteI think the second sentence interrupted the flow and didn't seem necessary.
ReplyDeleteI would read on, though.
AHAHA SPF one billion. :) I loved it, made me laugh. But you should maybe add a noun after negative. Just my advice. :)
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. The first three sentences seem to jump around a lot, and I have a hard time determining what I should be focusing on.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading for a bit. The spf one billion was funny, but seems too light for the next sentence.
ReplyDeleteSemi-hooked. Interested in knowing more about the one act, but I agree that the wording is awkward.
ReplyDeleteHooked. I like the voice and the philosophical question here. Also wanna know what she did!
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. I felt awkward to me.
ReplyDeletehooked. I'm immediately in her head, though the 28 years temporarily pulls me out. Didn't seem is a bit wishy-washy.
ReplyDeleteSPF one billion is a nice detail except you don't need it in hell. Maybe a flame retardant or burn cure? Things like that lose me quickly and my eyes don't follow the rest of the words.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
I, too, like the SPF one billion line. The fact that it's not what she would need anyway (as Sarah Laurenson pointed out) makes it even funnier to me.
ReplyDeleteThis is not a genre I read,so I will refrain from choosing 'hooked' or 'not hooked.'
Not sure. On one hand, Lindy has a problem, so I know her life is out of balance and there's a story coming. On the other, I don't have any idea what that story is. For now, she's just angsting.
ReplyDeleteThe second and third sentences confused me. It took me a moment to figure out the SPF reference was her thinking about hell still. I also didn't realize that 'one negative' meant 'one mistake' the first time I read it, so I had to re-read it.
I think if the sentences had made sense to me, the voice might have carried my interest, and I would have wanted to read on. Some slight rewriting may be all this piece needs to shine.
Not quite hooked.
ReplyDeleteI think you should cut both 'likely' and 'very'.
And the last three sentences could be tightened to:
Was there such a thing as SPF one billion? It didn't seem fair that one negative could wipe away a lifetime, 28 years, of being a good person.
I like the title and the MC's name.