TITLE: Freaky Frank
GENRE: Middle grade (humorous)
I have a secret. I know things. Lots of things. About people. Like I know that my math teacher, Mr. Bugg, is going to pick his nose and wipe a boogie on the back of his yellow smiley face tie when he turns around to write on the board.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Hooked!
ReplyDeleteGross! Hooked!
ReplyDeleteCute...yeah good hook, I already want to know more about the narrator.
ReplyDeleteHooked! Love the short sentences.
ReplyDeleteGreat use of short sentence structure. I like how your character says he has a secret and then gives you a clue by giving an example. I would definitely keep reading
ReplyDeleteHooked! Voice is outstanding.
ReplyDeleteFor MG...definitely hooked!
ReplyDeleteAlthough my 9-year-old daughter wasn't sure " 'cause boogies are disgusting." My 13-year old said maybe. I wish I could as my 11-year-old son...I'm positive he'd be smiling just as big as these two are, but he'd have no qualms about the gross stuff.
I really liked this. I, too, could hear the voice. Nice job!!
ReplyDeleteGross, kids will love it!
ReplyDeleteCute, and were I in middle school, I'd be hooked. :D It sounds like a middle schooler talking, so good job!
ReplyDeleteYes, perfect voice for MG. I'd definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI liked this a lot, but I wanted one fewer short sentence. After four, the rhythm began to feel a little sing-song to me.
ReplyDeleteEwww. But I think middle school kids will like it. Nice (gross) specificity.
ReplyDeleteHOOKED. You even got a giggle out of me ;-) I want to read more, more, more!
ReplyDeleteHooked. I really liked your voice. The choice of example is wonderful. It is vivid and shows a great sense of humor, not to mention an authentic voice. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteGross stuff is good. "yellow smiley face tie" was a long descriptor and slowed me down.
ReplyDeleteI'd read some more to see if it really hooks me.
Oh and you might want to drop "About people." You show that and don't need to tell it. That leaves only 3 short sentences.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like just what would have sucked my sons in when they were middle graders.
ReplyDeleteVery strong voice. Nice use of the short sentences.
For the sake for 10 year old boys I'll say hooked.
Hooked. I know gross gets the middlegrades.
ReplyDeleteEw. Not hooked. But I'm not the target audience either.
ReplyDeleteThere's no tension yet. Does Frank's ability (or weirdness) cause him problems? If so, I would suggest that needs to be worked into your opening to help pull the reader deeper into the story.
I agree with others, that "About people" should be taken out. And if you take out "yellow" in your tie description, it makes it a lot less wordy, and most people will assume yellow when you say "smiley face" anyway. Lastly, the use of "boogie" feels a little younger than MG. I find booger to be much more sophisticated. ^_~* I'm not a huge fan of MG, but I'd read on--hooked.
ReplyDeleteHooked!
ReplyDeleteMaybe cut 'about people'. I don't think you need it, and it might be one short sentence too many.
I'd drop the About people bit too. I think other than that it's great. I'm hooked!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely works for that age.
ReplyDeleteI was confused at first though, because "I have a secret" implies one thing, and the next sentence is "I know things"--plural. I had to read the whole thing to figure out you meant the secret is that he knows things ahead of time.
Maybe a colon? I have a secret: I know things. Lots of things.