TITLE: The Obsidian Throne
GENRE: Medieval Fantasy
On the occasion of his eighteenth birthday, Prince Cato, heir to the Obsidian Throne, realized that being King no longer interested him. Following tradition, he received petitioners in the throne room and resolved their issues. He was bored beyond belief. Bored, until a wizened, black-haired man named Drake appeared.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Not hooked. "Bored beyond belief" is too 21st century for a medieval fantasy.
ReplyDeleteHooked. But wizened, black-haired Drake better have something killer to say in the next sentence.
ReplyDeleteI'm in limbo. I like the Obsidian Throne, and I'm curious about Drake, but your hold is tentative.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. Sorry. There was a lot of telling in this paragraph as well as too much backstory too soon.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked because of the title and the genre, not because of the writing. It seems like you're wasting an opportunity for a really good beginning here. And I'd save the physical description for later. If it's from the prince's POV (which is sounds like) he would be familiar with the characters appearance, I would think, since he knows the name. Also, I'm not sure king ought to be capitalized there.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I like the premise of a prince who doesn't want to be king, but if it's just a shallow thought because of boredom it's less interesting.
I like the premise, but not hooked. Maybe get to what Drake says faster.Give me a reason to be hooked other than the Cato's boredom.
ReplyDeleteThis was a case where I wanted you to take a hair longer to get to the actual hook. I'd like to be more firmly rooted in Cato's POV.
ReplyDeleteMaybe just two or three sentences about how Cato had always longed for the throne, but now there he sat, and everyone who came before him had some problem with their taxes, or their inheritance, or something else excruciatingly boring.
At the moment, I sort of feel rushed along.
I really like the idea of the story, but not the presentation. I don't get hooked here and there would need to be something pretty swanky going on with Drake to keep my attention.
ReplyDeleteI think it might be more powerful if you started with what was interesting about Drake.
ReplyDeleteThis feels like an info dump and the wording is awkward. I'm not hooked.
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked. It felt like telling rather than showing.
ReplyDeleteSounds more like notes to yourself than the beginning of the novel. But I'm a fan of being dropped into action unless the writing is very poetic.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
Holy Cannoli, Hooked! Spelled with a capital 'aitch'.
ReplyDeleteI love fantasy and I would be all over this one.
Excellent!
Semi-hooked. I think the problem is too much information and too little action crammed in those 50 words. Sounds more like the first 50 words of a synopsis than an actual book.
ReplyDeleteI'm a big fan of medieval fantasy, but this had me only a little hooked. It sounds too much like the opening of a synopsis, rather than the actual story. Some action would be nice. I'd read on, though.
ReplyDeleteOverall I like the tone of this and think it can work for a fantasy.
ReplyDeleteThe second sentence is a little awkward and confusing. With the phrase 'following tradition,' it sounds like you're talking about his life in general, not what's happening on this particular day.