TITLE: Lost in the Shadows
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
Outside, the night that changed my life was cold. Inside, the raw taste of sweat, alcohol, and whatever drugs clouded the air invaded my senses.
I pushed my way through the sea of hot bodies as the bass pumped at a deafening rate, rattling the windows and controlling the crowd.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Not hooked. Outside. Inside. Hot. Cold. The taste of sweat and alcohol made me think the person was drinking, but then the drugs in the air distanced me from the MC.
ReplyDeleteThe structure is a little clunky in the beginning. You might consider moving the sentence "I pushed..." to the beginning and working in the ideas from the first two sentences as you go.
ReplyDeleteI'm confused about the raw taste of sweat...sorry, but I pictured this person licking other people's shoulders.
ReplyDelete"invaded my senses" seems clunky. I like MT's suggestion of starting with "I pushed". I think that will flow much better.
Not hooked. The opening paragraph doesn't seem to be particularly necessary. Start with "I pushed..." Your current opener sounds awkward. We'll know if the MC's life changes later on, when we get to know the character. We don't need to be told that right off the bat.
ReplyDeleteLove it! Very edgy!
ReplyDeleteThere seems to be a little too much effort to create atmosphere here. I mean, atmosphere is a good thing, but some charactarization or plot should also be appearing. That being said, it's only the first fifty words, but the next sentence should really hit the reader's interest hard.
ReplyDeleteHooked, but I might switch the two paragraphs.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. I've seen a lot of starts with "the night that changed my life."
ReplyDeleteI feel like the first line would have more impact if you lost the first word. I want more specificity. Why is this the night that changed his/her life?
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to put my finger on what keeps me from being hooked. The idea is great. I love the contrast, but the wording feels awkward. Also rates at deafening. I understand what you are trying to say, but it just isn't there. Also, how does bass control the crowd? Maybe mesmerized or something like that.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. Not my thing to begin with. First paragraph was hard to parse. Second was really good.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, because this is all scene-setting, and there's no tension or conflict implied.
ReplyDeleteYour first sentence tries to imply there's a story on the way, but I didn't find it effective because there's subtle problem with the grammar. I'm not even sure I can explain it accurately, so I'll just say I think you can fix it by saying "the night that would change my life was cold."
The first sentence struck me as too removed from the action. I didn't like it.
ReplyDeleteBut I liked the description of the rest. Overall, I'm hooked.
I'm not sure a rate can be deafening.
I think it would flow much better if you take out "that changed my life" from the first sentence. After that, I don't know what you mean by drugs clouding the air--they're solid, powder, yes, but solid. Maybe smoke, if it's marijuana, but then describe it as such. I'd read on a little more, but I'm no fan of the party opening scene. It just feels too crowded for the beginning of a story.
ReplyDeleteI don't like 'the night that changed my life' - it seems too telling - but the rest is good so I'd read on.
ReplyDelete