TITLE: TRAIN WATCH
GENRE: Middle Grade Historical
“CRR-E-E-E-A-K”
Someone’s coming up the ladder! Grandpa Lum will skin me alive if he finds me here writing to my mama.
Shoving aside her worn notebook, Cleo Holmes swung her brown,
mosquito-bitten legs over the side of the bed, narrowly missing the jagged metal springs
poking through the thin mattress.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I love the vivid descriptions of the mosquito bitten legs and jagged springs. I'd reverse the order of the lines to start with, "Shoving aside her worn notebook, Cleo Holmes swung her brown . . .mattress." Then add
ReplyDelete"Someone was coming up the ladder." Just my opinion though. Great voice for historical and catchy title.
I'd say "writing Mama" instead of "writing to my mama."
ReplyDeleteI'd give it a few more paragraphs to see where it was going.
Some good descriptions, few suggestions...
ReplyDelete“CRR-E-E-E-A-K”
Someone's comin' up the ladder. Grandpa Lum will skin me alive if he catches me writin'to Mama.
Cleo hid her frayed notebook, swung her brown, mosquito-bitten legs over the edge of the bed, almost cutting them on the metal springs poking through the lumpy mattress.
(show don't tell "worn" notebook; why I suggested "frayed"; tighten sentences a bit, like "finds me here writing to my mama" to "finds me writin' to Mama.) etc. good luck with this
Very vivid. I can really see this. One tiny quibble. People don't usually think of "my mama." My mom is just Mom or in this case Mama, especially in MG. I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteLove this. My heart breaks a little for Cleo. Plus I love the name.
ReplyDeleteVivid imagery. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked because of the first three sentences.
ReplyDeleteThe "CRR-E-E-E-A-K" struck me as being gimmicky (it's a sound effect, not good writing), and the second and third sentences seemed like "As you know, Bob" dialogue, i.e. you're using Cleo's thoughts to inform the reader of some facts. Unfortunately, you're doing it in a way that isn't believable as internal monologue. A kid won't call someone by their full title, "Grandpa Lum", inside the privacy of her own head.
I liked the description of Cleo getting off the bed, however! In fact, I think if you use that kind of closely-detailed description to show both that someone is coming up the ladder and that Cleo is panicked about it, this scene would work a lot better.
I agree with some of the above comments, i.e. "Mama" instead of "my mama", but that aside, I did really like this--lots of voice. I want to read on immediately, to know why her grandfather doesn't want her writing to her mother. Good job.
ReplyDeleteSeen this one before. Hard to say hooked or not because of that.
ReplyDeleteI do like the description.
Like the character, want to read more about her.
ReplyDeleteBut... Don't like opening with a sound effect. Don't think sentences that start with an -ing verb are very strong (swinging my legs off)--use those phrases sparingly. It would be stronger to start with the character: I swung my legs off the bed.
Don't like characters who describe themselves: what kid in a panic thinks about her own brown, mosquito-bitten legs? It takes us out of her POV.
Hooked. I like the imagery of the legs and the bed. The line "someone's coming up the ladder felt awkward" to me, not sure why.
ReplyDelete