TITLE: Courting Trouble
GENRE: Contemporary Romance
Ella McGrath wrapped her hand around the butt end of the antique Winchester 1897, and a sense of calm rushed through her. When you were raised a McGrath there wasn’t much room for in-betweens. You were right or wrong. No room for grey. And aside from being certain that
Miss Snark's First Victim
I am hooked, but I have written some western short stories and am familiar with a Winchester rifle. You might want to clarify for a more female populated fan base at the beginning.
ReplyDeleteHooked. Great job!
ReplyDeleteLove the voice of this beginning; it drew me in right away . . . I'm hooked!
ReplyDeleteI am hooked. I'd definitely read to find out what she does with the gun or what prevents her from using it. The grey sounds like it elaborates on the right or wrong. Grey is for good and evil.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on, but I'm not sure why grabbing the gun would calm her. Is she just glad she's made a decision, right or wrong?
ReplyDeleteIf I were holding a gun my heart would be racing. Why is her's not? I like: When you were raised a McGrath, there wasn't much room.... but I would make it more black and white and tighten a bit... When you were a McGrath, there wasn't any room for in-betweens. You were right or you were wrong. No room for grey.
ReplyDeleteThis didn't wow me, yet I wanted to keep reading when the sentences stopped. Which means you hooked me.
ReplyDeleteSeriously... a wow beginning isn't necessary, in my opinion. In fact, it can be hard to follow through on. A good solid beginning like this is quite often the best beginning. At least, that's what I think. :-)
PS, to those who wonder...there is a huge portion of our population who could quite easily be calm with a gun in their hands. In fact, if you've got a gun in your hands, calm is really the only state of mind you should be in!
ReplyDeleteI'm very into this voice. But I would cut "No room for grey," which really just restates what's already been said. It's said in nearly the same way two sentences back: "wasn't much room for in-betweens."
ReplyDeleteThis reminded me of something I read in Self-Editing for Fiction Writers: one plus one equals one half. Meaning, if you state something twice, you rob both statements of their power.
Not hooked. I liked the first sentence, but it seems a contradiction for calm to "rush" into a person.
ReplyDeleteThe rest of it is "telling", not "showing". You're filling us in on the backstory, and that a bad habit that can (and to my mind, in this case, does) kill the forward momentum of your story.
Caught more than the western flair. She's going to be one heck of a fighter, isn't she!
ReplyDeleteLiked this, but it sure didn't seem contemporary romance. Also, Right or wrong--not room for gray. Should black or white--no room for gray.
ReplyDeleteGood job!
I don't have a problem with using both right or wrong and grey. Otherwise you're obviously saying the same thing twice.
ReplyDeleteIf she's wrapping her hand around the butt end, it's not clear to me that she's getting ready to fire. I see raising it to her shoulder or setting her finger on the trigger as firing descriptions. Maybe that comes next.
I like the setting up of her character based on her family history.
'Rushed' didn't fit for me.
Semi-hooked.