TITLE: The High Bridge
GENRE: Contemporary Romance, paranormal subplot
Engineer Edgar 'Gar' Hodgkins sorely missed his wife.
His yearning for her was always intense while climbing down from the controls of the monstrous, puffing, black locomotive. Operating the nearly two-hundred ton metal beast of an engine took all his concentration, and he dared not look away from the gauges
Miss Snark's First Victim
Good mix of thought, action, and backstory.
ReplyDeleteThe 'Gar' breaks it up. How about just Gar Hodgkins, and give his real name later. I'd also take out monstrous because you give its weight and call it a metal beast in the next line.
I wonder why his yearning is intense when he must concentrate on the train so hard.
I like this. I'm hooked. I want to know what happened to his wife.
ReplyDeleteYes, I want to know why his yearning is so intense while climbing down from the train. Is he about to go see her?
ReplyDeleteYou're "telling", not "showing". The first two sentences inform us of facts; they're not evocative.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I actually really like your first sentence as a hook.
My other quibble is that sentence three doesn't seem to logically connect to sentence two. I note there's no period there, however, so I hope the rest of sentence three explains how its first phrase fits in with Edgar's longing for his wife.
My suggestion for this piece would be to keep sentence one, then work on making your next paragraph more visceral--engage the senses and make the scene feel real to the reader.
I liked this very much, but I agree with Theresa. I'd choose either Edgar or Gar for this intro. Two names bogs it down a bit.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. If he can't look away from the gauges, why is he stepping off the train? What does the train have to do with his wife?
ReplyDeleteI agree that this could stand to be more evocative. That's a powerful first line and deserves to be followed up with strong emotion.
ReplyDeleteI agree his name should be shortened at this first mention. The hook isn't his name, it's what comes next.
ReplyDelete