TITLE: My Piece of the Universe
GENRE: YA
The kid woke up outside around three in the morning, lying on mossy shingles that were cold and wet. He was sideways, his hands and feet dangling in the air, his body suspended from his waist. He was puzzled by the rope looped through his pants like a belt.
Miss Snark's First Victim
He's only puzzled to find himself like that? Hooked.
ReplyDeleteThe image is great, but the passive voice in the last sentence ruins it for me. Not quite hooked.
ReplyDeleteHooked by the idea, but agree with Jean that you need to ditch the passive voice.
ReplyDeleteI'd like this better if it started with the character's name instead of "the kid". It makes it sound like it's in someone other than the kid's POV, until we get to the last line and then it seems we are in the kid's POV. I'm confused enough to not get hooked. It is an interesting set up for the beginning, though. I think it simply needs some clarity.
ReplyDeleteHooked. I really liked this opening.
ReplyDeleteFurthermore, I think the use of passive voice actually works here. The kid is dazed, and that sentence implies his mental state: slightly removed from reality. You could totally keep it.
Not quite hooked. The passive voice feels too removed for me. I'd give it a page or two, though. See if it picks up.
ReplyDeleteYour story sounds promising, but the prose needs some work.
ReplyDelete"The kid woke up outside around three in the morning, lying on mossy shingles that were cold and wet."
I would rewrite to cut extra words, example: The kid woke up at three in the morning on cold, wet mossy shingles.
Cut the passive voice, too. Instead of "He was puzzled by the rope," say "The rope puzzled him."
You will put us into the action instead of telling us about it, plus cut extra words that bog down the story.
And this really confused me. You tell us in the first sentence that he is lying on cold, wet, mossy shingles, and in sentence #2 he is half-dangling from a rope. He can't be lying in sentence #1 and dangling in #2.
Good luck!
I was interested in this, but also confused. I had a hard time picturing exactly what was going on. He's lying on a roof? But then, how are his hands and feet in the air? Is this an exceptionally skinny roof, of is he lying in some way I just can't picture?
ReplyDeleteI'm not really hooked. The writing is very distant--I don't yet know why I care about this still unnamed kid. Being in third person, I would like to know his name in the first 50 words. I'd give it another sentence or two to see if it got better.
ReplyDeleteIt did take a bit for me to figure he must be on the edge of a roof. Interesting beginning, but the description is too confusing for me. Not hooked.
ReplyDeleteThe mossy shingles confused me. I assumed he was on the ground. Then the dangling by a rope completely threw me.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the use of "kid" instead of a name made it really impersonal. Is the story about the boy or is the MC seeing this?
It confused me too. I had trouble picturing how he was lying, then I realised he was on a roof. I agree with others that 'the kid' is a bit impersonal if this is your MC.
ReplyDelete