TITLE: Earthbound
GENRE: Young Adult Fiction
I opened the window and the hot, sticky heat of the summer sun washed over me in waves. My bedroom window overlooked the old, forgotten graveyard that must have been there for hundreds of years, once open to grieving friends and family now bound under lock and key.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I liked it. Would read on. What happened that the graveyard is locked?
ReplyDeleteI like it. Hooked. I would like it tightened up a bit - the window to my window .. but I'm hooked regardless.
ReplyDeleteI like it and am hooked, but the voice doesn't sound right for YA.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence doesn't hook me, but the second one has me intrigued! Maybe consider ditching the first one? Or combining them?
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked, too, but your could polish your prose. The first sentence could be tighter. I would break it into two sentences for more tension.
ReplyDeleteAlso, a grammar nitpick: The end of the last sentence reads as though the grieving friends and family are now bound under lock and key (plus I would reverse that to family and friends -- family usually grieve the hardest, so I would put them first).
I enjoyed this opening. Good luck!
There's a nice flow to the sentences--this is good writing--but I find this piece unengaging. There is no undercurrent of tension and no conflict; it's just scene-setting.
ReplyDeleteAnd that's not a flaw, but it doesn't do as much work as it could to draw your reader in. Even descriptions of scenery can be laced with intrigue and foreshadowing to snare the reader's interest.
I like this. It introduces the character enough and gets me asking questions that will keep me reading for the next few paragraphs to see where things are going.
ReplyDeleteI can see a YA developing here...scene isn't all that unique but you have the potential of sucking us into a terrific new summer-graveyard-big surprise plot.
ReplyDeleteWould like to read more.
I think I agree with jj--while it starts something rolling as it is, I think it could be more engaging.
ReplyDeleteDidn't like the hot, sticky heat of the sun. Sticky heat is caused by humidity--what a quibble, huh? The use of "window" twice in the short passage could be cleaned up. I would read on though. Interesting setup.
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked, I'm afraid. Nothing is happening or seems likely to happen soon. And the voice didn't grab me. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteI like the graveyard. Not sure I'd open with the weather though. It does help set the scene, but maybe start with the graveyard and not the heat. If I ignore the first sentence, I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a fan of starting with the weather either. Nothing much is happening, so I'm not hooked based on this sample, but if you had 250 words my answer might be different :-)
ReplyDelete