TITLE: Breaking the Bonds
GENRE: Science Fiction Romance
“Run,” Serena hissed at Michal as the guards started towards the crowd standing on the cobbles around them.
She had watched the guards as they had walked into the southeastern corner of the square, just as Michal had finished juggling and tucked the final spinning knife back into its sheath.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Semi-hooked. I'd keep reading to see why they need to run. I'd also drop all three "hads" from the second sentence.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I found the "hads" distracting, too. Just tell us the story as it's happening, not after it just happened.
ReplyDeleteAlso, in the first line, I'm pretty sure it's "toward."
Overall, not hooked. The scene could be interesting (I like the idea of having knife-juggling street performers in a sci-fi novel), but the writing tripped me up.
Semi-hooked. Agree, the multiple use of "had" is distracting. I might change the sentence order a bit.
ReplyDelete(BTW, "towards" is mostly seen in British English; Americans are lazy and generally drop the "s". Just be consistent.)
I like the idea, but the tenses pulled me out of the story. It feels like you are trying for a good first sentence and then start your story. Not quite hooked.
ReplyDeleteI know you're supposed to start with action, but this feels like I'm coming in at the climax of a story. I don't know what it was, but I'm not really hooked. I feel like I want to know more about the characters before I decide whether I care if they're caught or not. YMMV.
ReplyDeleteAgree with the comments about "had." With those removed, I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteAgree with the comments about tense. Also would like some hint of description about the square other than the southeastern corner. But anyone juggling spinning knives is interesting, especially if he has to run from guards.
ReplyDeleteYour story sounds interesting, but I would tighten the writing. Other posters mention the extra "had." You're also explaining the story instead of putting us right in the middle. Trim the extra words and make shorter sentences to up the tension.
ReplyDeleteTowards is UK spelling. Toward is USA.
I like the character setup, but there were too many hads. Use the contractions if you must keep them (she'd, he'd, etc.)
ReplyDeleteAlso, it starts with action "Run" but slows down to tell us what happened moments before. I think you should start moments before or just keep going with the action a little more.
As is, I would read a few more paras.
Your first sentence is strong and makes me curious enough to read on. The second sentence draws me out of the story. I'd moved the second sentence into the present time (rather than refering back to what 'had' happened).
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, but I also don't have much to complain about; this is nice writing. In a book, I'd keep reading on the expectation that things were going to get more intriguing soon.
ReplyDeleteOne nitpick: how can they run if they're surrounded by a crowd? Can Serena even see the guards very well?
I agree with the consensus thus far: hads could be reworked. There is some action here to keep me reading, and the writing works well--so we'll call it hooked.
ReplyDeleteAgree with what's been said here. And wouldn't they be more obvious running when everyone else is standing still?
ReplyDeleteI'd read a bit more to see if I'm hooked.
The knife juggling is fun! I'd give it a bit more before deciding. Definitely need to address the verb tense.
ReplyDeleteSuggestion-2 paragraph:
Just as Michal finished juggling and tucked away the final . . . the guards entered the square.
I liked the first paragraph. The second one didn't keep my attention.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence read awkwardly to me. I think it's the phrase 'the crowd standing on the cobbles around them.' Could you say something like, "fought through the crowd towards them" or similar?
ReplyDelete