TITLE: The Clown House
GENRE: Thriller
The first three bullets stung. He’d been shot before—you didn’t get into this business without taking one or two for the company—but your body can’t plug three holes at once. Blood trickled down his back, seeping into the crack...
Or maybe that was loose bowels.
Forget it.
Run.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Your 1st paragraph hooked me ... until I hit the loose bowels part. LOL
ReplyDeleteHooked!
ReplyDeleteI have to agree. I actually don't quiet understand the loose bowels part. I mean, I understand it, but don't get why it's there.
ReplyDeleteI'm fascinated, disgusted and hooked. I guess that's three for three. :-)
ReplyDeleteReally liked that first paragraph. The loose-bowels line made me wince (not in a good way), but I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI should mention that I don't read many thrillers, so maybe diarrhea is just a more common element of that genre...? :)
ReplyDeleteLoose bowels? Disgusting. Drop it and keep the rest.
ReplyDeleteI too was turned off by the bowels. Liked the first graf a lot though. And I liked the energy of "Forget it. Run."
ReplyDeleteEwwww. Great beginning. I can really feel this. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteI love the bit about the body not being able to plug three holes at once. Your title creeps me out.
ReplyDeleteThe loose bowels lost me, too; otherwise, I'd be hooked.
ReplyDeleteHooked until ewww ;-) I'd read to the next few lines at least to see if you've got the set up to make it work.
ReplyDeleteI liked the first para, then you lost me.
ReplyDeleteEww. You had me till loose bowels. Yuck!
ReplyDeleteI love it! Cracks, clowns, and explosive diarrhea...I would keep going. We need a little shock here and there.
ReplyDeleteI like it even with the loose bowels. That line is funny, attention-getting, not gross, and the rest of the piece has good voice, so I'm still trusting the author and would keep reading. Definitely hooked.
ReplyDelete--But I don't really agree with the majority's advice to remove the bowels line. Great fiction often doesn't play it safe. I vote you keep that line.
Semi-hooked. I thought there was enough action to keep me reading, but the change between second and third person ("your body", "his back") confused me.
ReplyDeleteAlso, is the person who is supposed to run the person who has been shot? Who is saying "run"? Who is hearing it? I think these details could be clarified to make this beginning really effective.
Hooked, although I have to agree with everyone - drop the loose bowels.
ReplyDeleteDitto. Hooked, but drop the loose bowels.
ReplyDeleteNot sure how I feel about the loose bowels comment, but otherwise I'm hooked. The first paragraph sounds cool, kinda like the movie Wanted.
ReplyDeleteNot sure how the loose bowels run down his back. Don't mind the detail at all. I think mine would be loose if I'd been shot three times.
ReplyDeleteLike the plugging holes detail. Intriguing.
Not my genre cup of tea, but great writing.
The "you" and "your" bothered me. How about "a person doesn't get..." and "the body can't plug?"
ReplyDeleteKeep in the bowels. Yes, it's gross, but you're writing a thriller. Making the reader uncomfortable is what thrillers do.
I'd read on!
I liked the first paragraph. I didn't get the rest of it. Maybe with a few more sentences I would have been hooked.
ReplyDelete