TITLE: Magic Withheld
GENRE: Urban fantasy
The earthquake wasn’t his fault. Not this time, at least.
But the mugger's face-plant into the concrete barrier, well now, howdy…
Justus Daide figured he would take the responsibility for that. But maybe in light of past events, he shouldn’t have laughed when the creep stood up, spitting his teeth
Miss Snark's First Victim
Very hooked. I love the voice.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. The 'face-plant' threw me. Had to read it twice to figure out what it meant.
ReplyDeleteNot quite hooked. I think it's a matter of personal taste, though. The voice is strong, some will like, some won't. Wasn't crazy about the word "howdy". It annoyed me for some reason.
ReplyDeleteKind of great. I like the voice, not sure about it being a superb hook, but we'll see...
ReplyDeleteYour opening line reached out and grabbed me when I first checked the page this morning. Out of the 11 or so entries that we up, that first line caught my eye above all else. I love it.
ReplyDeleteFantastic start with the first two sentences. Voice is very personal, which I like. Hooked.
ReplyDeleteI...don't know if I'm hooked. I loved the possibilities of the first two sentences. What followed is slightly confusing, though. The first line had me assuming I'm inside one person's head, thinking about another person. But then I realize, by the end of this section, that he's thinking about himself. I think.
ReplyDeleteThere's a bit of humor, and a good voice, too.
I'd give it another page or two to see if the interest holds and the confusion smooths out.
I'm hooked unless the following sentences veer off. Felt "well now howdy" was a little awkward...but my sister just sent me an email with a similar phrase so maybe it's a regional thing?
ReplyDeleteI was hooked by the first line, and I liked the use of 'face-plant'.
ReplyDeleteI was hooked. I like the humor in the voice and the picture you painted in very few words.
ReplyDeleteFairly well hooked. Great opening line. "...well, now, howdy..." was a put-off. I loved "face-plant" but not everyone is a gamer (which is where I've encountered the term before).
ReplyDeleteHooked from the first line. Makes me want to know how earthquakes could be his fault at other points.
ReplyDeleteLoved the first line. The second, not so much. What about the mugger's face-plant? Since there's no verb here, I'm not sure what's going on. The next paragraph clarifies it a bit, but not enough to really bring me back in.
ReplyDeleteLove the voice. Especially that "howdy."
ReplyDeleteLoved the first sentence. Second one threw me. Fix that and I'd be hooked.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked, the title interests me, and the voice made me smile. Loved the howdy. :D
ReplyDeleteGreat first couple of lines. I really like the voice.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. I think it's really a matter of what I like to read...
ReplyDeleteI'd be hooked, except starting two sentences with But makes the writing feel clunky. Change the first to Yet and remove the second all together.
ReplyDeleteThe image is great and very quickly I feel like I know this character.
Oooh. I'm hooked. I like the opening paragraph especially.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice in this, but not the 'howdy.' I also think you could cut the sentence that starts with 'Justus Daide...' since this is implied with the rest of what he's saying and felt redundant to me.
ReplyDeleteSemi-hooked. The "face-plant" threw me off and I had to reread the sentence to decide who he is talking about.
ReplyDeleteGood strong voice, though.
I like the voice. The "howdy" gives it some real flavor. Third paragraph could use some tightening, but it's hard to tell for sure since it's incomplete.
ReplyDeleteKinda hooked.
I loved this. The voice really stands out. I enjoyed the 'howdy'.
ReplyDeleteHooked, this has a nice voice.
ReplyDeleteMy only concern is the last sentence, which seems to slow the pace. You could improve it by editing to "But maybe he shouldn't have laughed when..."
I like this, but the second sentence, "face-plant into the concrete barrier" just confuses me. To me, face-plant implies falling face-first onto the ground, but then "concrete barrier" brings up the image of some sort of wall, so the image is contradictory. Other than that, and jjdebenedictis' point, I liked it. I'd read on.
ReplyDelete