TITLE: FATE
GENRE: YA Paranormal
Christian Lewis was violently wishing he could switch lives with any other sixteen year old alive. Excluding military brats, of course. His insides were pulling at him, daring him to go back into his family’s cramped little military-housing kitchen, and posting his thoughts on the bulletin board for his father to see.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like this, but it has the "let me tell you a story syndrome". Change sentences like: His insides were pulling at him, daring him to go back into his family’s cramped little military-housing kitchen, and posting his thoughts on the bulletin board for his father to see.
ReplyDeleteto this:
His insides pulled at him, daring him to go back inside and post his thoughts on the bulletin board for his father to see.
You put it in the moment when you take out words like "were" and "was". And we don't need to know it's military housing just yet. Work in those details.
Intrigued. The exclusion of military brats was funny then I discovered he lived in military housing and I was curious. Would read more.
ReplyDeleteI would have liked to see at least some foreshadowing of paranormal since that is the genre but it is still a good start. Semi-hooked.
ReplyDeleteBased on this alone, I don't know that I'd read on. (violently wishing bugged me).
ReplyDeleteI usually read the blurb on the back of the book, so if the premise is promising I would push forward...and I love a good paranormal so I'd probably invest in the first chapter.
Meh...I'm intrigued, but cautious. An adverb in the first sentence threw me. I don't know that this opening gives me enough interest to want to read on. A hint of what Christian's situation is would be nice. At this point I'm not sure if he's angry, upset, frustrated, ect. Too unclear.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. "violently wishing"--how does one wish violently? That put me off from the start. And...having lived in military housing, "cramped kitchen" was the opposite of what we had, so I couldn't relate there.
ReplyDeleteI disagree with Steve in the sense that one can't wish violently, but I also agree that it kind of interrupts the flow. Regardless, I'm hooked - mainly because it's a YA Paranormal with a military brat aspect.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. I had trouble with 'violently' wishing.
ReplyDeleteThe writing seems a little awkward to me. I think it's all the 'was/were ...ing' constructions.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. Not sure I can pinpoint why though.
ReplyDeleteSeems good. Maybe not my thing. You have a lot of info packed in this beginning which is nice.
Pretty good, although I have some reservations about the wording.
ReplyDeleteWhat you're doing well is establishing that the main character feels emotional tension and his life is out of balance. That lets the reader know there's a story coming. I would probably read on, except for the following quibbles:
The phrases "was ... wishing" and "were pulling" are less powerful than they should be. Try replacing that construction with "wished" and "pulled".
The word "alive" comes too soon after "lives", and sounds repetitious. You can simply delete "alive" to fix this.
Finally, you've got an error in grammar in the last sentence. It should be "and post his thoughts..."
I agree with L.J. Boldyrev, and "violently wishing" just doesn't flow for me. Not really hooked, but I'd probably read on, especially with your first commenter's suggestions.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. While I like, "Excluding military brats, of course." The first sentence didn't work (again "violently wishing"
ReplyDelete