TITLE: Life After Send
GENRE: Contemporary/Edgy YA
My finger stumbled over the rubbery cell phone button for the
hundredth time. I whistled out a breath and weighed the plastic device
in my hand like I was jiggling change or something. This shouldn’t be
so hard. Why was this so hard?
Nibbling my lower lip, I squeezed the phone until my nails turned white.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Not hooked. Although the "jiggling change or something" was a very good description.
ReplyDeleteSemi-hooked.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious what is so hard. . . :-)
I think I'd use "hovered" instead of stumbled as I get the impression your character is on the verge of hitting send, but can't quite commit.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I would read on at least to figure out why this message was so important/difficult to send.
Semi-hooked. I'd read on just to see what's happening, but cautiously. If you're going to start this way, the next bit had BETTER be worthy of your MC stressing out. If it's not, then this opening is ineffectual.
ReplyDeleteSemi-hooked. Love the title. Interested enough to keep reading to see what's so difficult.
ReplyDeleteI also loved the title, but oddly enough, I'm annoyed by the narrator. I think because she (he?) seems so nervous about what appears to be a text message, without any indication as to why. That could be a personal thing, though. Still, I'd keep reading for a bit - semi-hooked. :)
ReplyDeleteI don't know, to me, I don't "weigh" things like I'm "jiggling change". Those seem like two different actions. I would lose one. I am very curious about the phone call and why it's so hard to make.
ReplyDeleteThe image is good, but the wording is too awkward. Also, by focusing on the phone, I don't get a sense of the environment. Not quite hooked.
ReplyDeleteI like the feeling of stress and the phone, but I agree with others to put less about the phone and a little more of the surroundings or something. I'd read on to see what would happen next.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, though I'd give it a few more sentences before deciding for sure. Seems like there's something interesting being hinted at here. I stumbled over the first paragraph and had to re-read or just slow down.
ReplyDeleteDitto Emay's comments.
ReplyDeleteI like your title.
I'm curious and I like the voice, so I'd read on. I think you could cut 'or something' without losing anything - I've noticed myself overusing this phrase, so that's why it stuck out at me.
ReplyDeleteI like the title, too.
Nice depiction of emotional tension! I would read on. The only quibble I have is I think you should delete "or something". It weakens the sentence.
ReplyDeleteI really like this. My only problem was "jiggling change". Jiggling just doesn't seem like the best word choice to me. That aside, I'd definitely read on. Good job.
ReplyDeleteOoh, I really get her anxiety over what she's about to do. Hooked.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. I wonder what's going to happen next. I don't like the jiggling change bit. It feels akward.
ReplyDelete