TITLE: The Emerald Veil
GENRE: YA Fantasy
On the outskirts of Deadwood where the trees tower into Guardians of the Forest and enclose us, the firs encase the space cradling their appendages over and around us while the oaks and pines grow together in harmony, like they are dancing throughout the earth. And the ferns grow under the massive trees, grouped in communities whispering to each other.
The mountains loom in the distance, their peaks rising to the sun. And the lush, green sea of life flourishes under the watchful eye of the massive stone. The valley is moist and the mountains are dry, while the trickling rivers flow to the might of the Pacific Ocean. And the hemlocks, grand firs, oaks, and big leaf maples stand tall and proud of their land.
Its a transcendent emerald that shields us from the mainstream masses of our human counterparts. But within reach, just over the canopy of the trees, there is life. Most of us live here in the forest, but some live in Deadwood, with the humans.
And regardless of any innate differences in our parallel existence, the abysmal cavern lingering between us formed long ago. The root desire to understand why it is that we are here, and what our place is amongst the masses evaporated into the midst of the valley. For the power of socialization superseded the power of their souls need for understanding. And they stopped looking for it.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Personally, I'm hooked enough to read on (I'm curious to see a) who this character is and b) what happens between the narrator and the humans).
ReplyDeleteI like your writing. At the same time, some of the content/diction just doesn't feel YA-ish ("abysmal cavern," "the power of socialization," etc.; the typical teen would probably be turned off by that). The language would be my main concern in reading on.
This is all very pretty. I get a great picture of where they are, but ... that's all I get.
ReplyDeleteAs I'm not a big fan of lengthy (even if they are lovely) descriptions, this doesn't hook me. I want a character and some reason to care about them.
Like I said, this is just my personal preference, I'm sure others will love it :)
It's lovely, and I'm interested, but it seems like perhaps this could have been written in one paragraph, and been much more powerful. Also, always be careful of being a Noah's Ark writer - the watchful eye of the massive stone, mainstream masses of our human counterparts. See, your nouns/adjective words our coming two by two! Less is more, but in spite of the flowery (albiet lovely) writing, I'm still interested. So, good job!
ReplyDeleteI assume that in this world, plants are actually sentient and have emotions? Because if not, I am very wary of ascribing human characteristics to inanimate objects. (Generally speaking, ferns don't gossip, trees aren't proud, etc.)
ReplyDeleteAnd I wondered about naming the place Deadwood. I half expected Calamity Jane to show up and start swearing.
This doesn't feel like a children's or YA book to me. The language is overwrought, and I have no idea who the characters are or what their problem is... or, in fact, if there even ARE characters. I guess the trees are the ones the narrator is talking about? Or elves that live in the trees? Or... lichen? I have no idea.
I think it is generally a good idea to start with characters (human or non-human) and what their conflict is, and make the reader care about them immediately before moving on to descriptions of landscape.
And then when you describe the landscape, try to do so as briefly as possible. I'd agree with the above comment about "Noah's Ark."
The descriptions are a bit heavy-handed...I'm looking for a character and some conflict about now. With YA, you kind of need that "punch in the gut" and an immediate need to know why we care about this character and her world.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above posters. The language is a bit much for a YA book, and there's not enough happening for me to get hooked right away. Pretty descriptions, but so far they're not leading much of anywhere.
ReplyDeleteAlso, some of your long sentences seem a little off, like they might be missing a comma or two. Sometimes shorter sentences are preferable, if only for clarity's sake.
I did, however, enjoy the lush images of the forest, being a bit of a tree hugger myself. :)
There was no main character that I could see, nor a plot, and the first sentence is 45 words long.
ReplyDeletePerhaps start with your characters doing something, rather than having an unseen narrator explain things. Don't worry about setting things up. That will all come automatically as the story unfolds.
I really like the lush descriptions, but you might not need quite so many. And I can't help but wonder if there's an MC somewhere in here.
ReplyDeleteThe one thing that bothered me was the next to last paragraph where you say within reach, just over the canopy of trees, there is life - isn't there life all around this spot? The way you describe it, seems like there's lots.
Coming in as late as I am, I find myself echoing earlier commenters. I think the language is absolutely fabulous--except that the sentences go on so long, with so many clauses, that I get lost. And I couldn't get my bearings on who the character was, either--not even a vague notion. Just that whoever it is, it isn't human. I do think we need that sense of being grounded--the sense of knowing who we're listening to--right away. That said, it's an intriguing picture you paint, and I would love to see more of it.
ReplyDeleteThat is one long first sentence. I had to force myself to push through it.
ReplyDeleteWhat followed was better. Beautiful images, but I probably wouldn't read on with no character to hold on to.
Beautiful imagery, but I know nothing about your MC. The first sentence is a bit long. Also, I don't think you need such a detailed description of the place. Better to introduce the reader to the MC first. Sorry, not hook.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading this and loved the imagery. I am hooked, and have no problems with a book starting in this fashion - although I have been criticized in a similar fashion with my writing. Perhaps it's a personal preference thing. Anyway, I would read on.
ReplyDelete