TITLE: FRIENDS WITH DEATH
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy
Mary Kate Stewart secretly hoped that her Calculus teacher would get hit by a taco truck.
It was 1:15 p.m. when she had that thought. She knew the exact moment because that's all she was doing--staring at the clock and wishing for the demise of Mr. Randolph Hagen. She didn't want him to actually die, but if the accident caused the kind of amnesia where you forgot one specific thing and that thing just happened to be Fridays test, she'd be all for supporting careless lunch truck drivers.
Blocking out the chatter of her classmates, Mary Kate ignored the bright bursts of color she saw whenever a voice hit a certain tone. After twelve years of living with synesthesia, the ability to "see" sounds, she hardly noticed the extra color anymore.
Right when she considered putting her textbook in her bag, Mr. Hagen rushed into the room. "Sorry I'm late." He turned to write a problem on the board. Her plan to hide behind her book backfired when he called on her. "Mary Kate? How would you begin to solve this?"
Mary Kate stared at the equation, barely able to tell Mr. Hagens "1s" from his "7s", let alone know the answer to "x". Behind her, Becky Wright whispered and a purple mist hovered around her peripheral vision.
"Awesome," she thought. "I'm having an idiotic moment and there are witnesses." With burning cheeks, she looked back at Mr. Hagen, ready to shrug in shame. What she saw caused her to gasp instead.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm not hooked enough to read on and that's probably because I'm very picky.
ReplyDeleteYes, the taco truck accident is amusing, but I struggle with understanding your character's motivation. It feels extreme.
The drop of information about synesthesia - well, first, I've heard of it but don't know anything about it, so the paragraph hurts the flow and needs to be weaved in more smoothly.
By the time I'm done, there isn't anything driving my interest in your character. I don't proactively like her.
I will say I'm curious, but not necessarily hooked.
ReplyDeleteA lot of teens have wishes like that regarding teachers (and some don't keep them to themselves -- trust me, I heard a few :P)
I like the use of synesthesia as her "power", but the explanation doesn't flow. I think it would read stronger if you just gave us the colors and that she ignored them because she'd lived with them most of her life.
My only other concern is that the voice seems a little inconsistent to me. In the first few paragraphs, it is very light and conversational, but then it starts to feel too (this isn't the word I'm going for, but ...) premeditated. It reads a bit like you struggled with the wording of things at the end.
I'd read on a bit, but not sure this would suck me in.
I would say that I am hooked, but not enough that I'd necessarily buy it without reading more. Still, I love the opening line. She's relatable, and yet has something a little different. I agree that I liked the first couple paragraphs more than the latter, because there was a steady voice that seemed to falter toward the end. But, like I said, I would definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteI was totally with this until the last paragraph. Mary Kate's thought was sort of awkwardly worded and unnatural and it didn't really match the "voice" I'd come to know through the narration. The same with the description of her actions afterward. I think, rather than trying show how Mary Kate missed seeing whatever happened to Mr. Hagen happen and to build up anticipation by slipping into minute detail (she looked back, she gasped) it would be better to lead with whatever she sees and than have her react to it. Otherwise it feels forced.
ReplyDeleteI would probably read on though. I really liked the opening, and of course I want to know what she sees.
I would be more interested if this were in the first person. If you have a character with so much going on in their own head, I think it'd be interesting to actually be in their head.
ReplyDeleteI really loved the very beginning! It reminded me of the movie Stranger Than Fiction a bit, and it sucked me in.
ReplyDeleteEverything after "wishing for the demise of Randolph Hagen," though, I have problems with. Here is how I might fix 'em:
--
Mary Kate Stewart secretly hoped that her Calculus teacher would get hit by a taco truck.
It was 1:15 p.m. when she had that thought. She knew the exact moment because that's all she was doing--staring at the clock and wishing for the demise of Mr. Randolph Hagen. Or amnesia that would make him forget Friday's test. Either one.
Blocking out the chatter of her classmates, Mary Kate ignored the bright bursts of color she saw whenever a voice hit a certain tone. Right when she considered putting her textbook in her bag, Mr. Hagen rushed into the room. "Sorry I'm late." He turned to write a problem on the board. "Mary Kate? How would you begin to solve this?"
Mary Kate stared at the equation, barely able to tell the "1s" from the "7s" through the purple haze, let alone know the answer to "x". Becky Wright whispered behind her, and someone laughed.
With burning cheeks, Mary Kate looked back at Mr. Hagen, ready to shrug in shame. But what she saw made her [pick a feeling that indicates the emotion more clearly--blood freezing? Hair standing on end? Maybe use the emotion thesaurus? http://thebookshelfmuse.blogspot.com/] instead.
--
A general comment: I write in first person, so I never use "I thought," because pretty much everything except dialogue is my MC's thoughts :) But I think it's best to avoid it even in the third person--it seems like it can help with voice. I'd also look at the dialogue/internal monologue; the part I cut that started with "Awesome" felt sort of stilted.
So, almost hooked!
I wasn't hooked because I don't see your MC's motivation. She has a cool power that I've never heard of, and I'd be inclined to read on to see what it is and how it works, but you didn't peak my curiosity enough.
ReplyDeleteHow is this power messing up her life, or even helping in her life? If she had a problem related to her special ability, that would have pulled me in. Without that, all you have here is a kid who doesn't want to take a test. Find a way to get the bigger problem in here.
For a beginning, I like it. I can so relate to someone who has sat in a math class with dread, being called on to answer a question that makes absolutely no sense, and even if it did, who cares.
ReplyDeleteI realize something has happened to the teacher, and I'm sure that will be revealed soon.
Nice job.
See color. Nice. I like your voice, and I definitely want to read more. Hooked.
ReplyDeleteI like the opening but then I felt like it dragged a little with too much background information. I'd like to see more tension from the synesthesia; that's definitely not something you read about every day.
ReplyDeleteI thought the opening sentece had a great hook. And the fact that she 'sees colors' is really original and intriguing. But I think I'd like to see a little more action before we're given this information. I'd want to know your character first and foremost and then- shocker- she's got this rare condition. Here I feel like it's just almost blipped over and this is supposed to be a big hook.
ReplyDeleteI like this. I liked this in the 25 word critiques, too, and I'm glad to get a little more of the story now. Try the SA's suggestion of putting it in 1st person. That might get you into the action faster, or people won't mind because we'll be so in her head.
ReplyDelete