TITLE: Remembrance
GENRE: Contemporary Paranormal
Power outage due from the lightening storm outside. The characters are in the hall.
Amazingly gorgeous she thought as she stared up into his eyes. Tremors of his forceful energy pulsated into her hands. Lightening still danced and flashed outside creating a light shadow in which to see him. Dark wavy hair fell over prominent cheekbones and in this lighting, made him devilishly angelic. Aydenâ's eyes penetrated into her very being, claiming once again her already captured soul but now he also held her heart. Leaning her head forward she moved so that her lips were barely grazing his. Watching his eyes she licked his lower lip with her tongue. She stopped then smiled when she felt his energy course through her like a vibratory hum. Once more she darted her tongue out and traced his upper lip. Where's your control now Ayden, she thought as she felt him shiver in delight at her playfulness. One kiss Aydenâ--just one.
Everything about her excited him and he wanted that kiss. Running a hand through her hair, he grabbed hold pulling her head back slightly. Leaning in he whispered into her ear. "Naughty, naughty." He felt her body quiver against his with passionate energy. Ah my wild one, he thought as he tilted his head, leaned in and claimed that first soul-searing kiss.
Miss Snark's First Victim
HAWT! I'd so read on! :D
ReplyDeleteI think this (steamy!) passage is burdened with overwriting. For example, "tremors of his forceful energy" and "eyes penetrated into her very being, claiming once again her already captured soul but now he also held her heart." Less is more.
ReplyDeleteAnother thought is that, for me personally, the fact that she licked his lip made the actual "soul-searing" kiss anti-climactic. They already had that intimate contact, so his "claiming" of the kiss wasn't the moment I think you may want it to be.
I agree with Authoress, the over-writing took me out of the scene--"energy pulsated, light shadow, dark wavy hair fell over prominent cheekbones....etc." The POV shift also felt a little out of place. This could be very steamy and passionate with a little editing and adjective control.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone else. This has potential but the POV problems make it a bit too bumpy. It's acceptable to have multiple POVs in one book, "maybe" even in one scene, but not in one small act. It's too jarring.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Authoress as well. I mean, hopefully, by this point in the story, the reader knows what Ayden looks like. And devilishly angelic? I can understand the contrast... but... it just doesn't work. That's just my opinion though - and even though it may have been a little overdone, I was still definitely pulled in. So - good job! :) I like it lots.
ReplyDeleteI think you mean "lightning storm" It's a mistake I make as well.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Authoress. And also with Holly, the head hopping was jarring.
Good luck.
This didn't do a ton for me. I think it felt over-wordy, which drew me from the tension of the moment.
ReplyDeleteI like when he leans in and whispers, "Naughty, naughty." I felt like I was there :)
ReplyDeleteHowever, one thing - the POV jumped from her to him - I had to re-read a few times to make sure I had read it correctly.
The head hopping didn't bother me--it's omni, right?
ReplyDeleteI agree that it was wordy.
I felt this had a lot of purple prose. I found myself noticing the words on the page, instead of feeling what they were.
ReplyDeleteI had a problem with the POV change but that would probably not be a problem if it happens regularly throughout the story. I am not sure I like the voice, it's a bit too flowery for me, but I liked the lip licking.
ReplyDeleteI agree with others--too flowery. I didn't care for the POV switch either. Four sentences (two pairs in succession) begin with an "ing" word. I think you left the last A off of Aydena's name once. And maybe it's just me, but that doesn't sound like a male name, although it does sound dystopian, so it intrigues me.
ReplyDelete